Don’t do family

This is C

she doesn’t do family

It’s not that I don’t do family

they don’t do me

 

But I was wrong

all these years I held

onto the anger hurt

believing you did not

love approve accept

all those wasted chances

squandered bond

 

Now it is too little too

late

this is C your youngest most

beautiful smart

 

You laugh politely

charming diplomatic

as always we share

the joke but

inside I am crying

 

You do not know me

I have come too late

 

I resented you labelling me

a failure from birth not a

son last hope saloon

dashed mission

impossible

 

I felt hurt you

never told me

you were proud

of me no not

even once

 

You never knew me

I never knew you

born from your womb

we small talked through life

I did not tell you I had cancer

not the first nor the second

didn’t think you would understand

did not want to worry you

have your anxiety piled on top

of my suffering pain

 

I did not give you enough credit

till the moment after being dumped

cradling shattered pieces of my heart

the communion of tears unspoken

woman to woman mother to child

you understood all too well my pain

having travelled that well trodden path

to heartbreak hotel

 

The other day I found your

address book with all my old

numbers even the one in

Holland after my breakdown

you had copied my addresses

painstakingly in English though

you have never spoken the

lingo of your adopted country

my heart ached

Mother you loved me I

rejected you all these years

hating myself a disappointment

failure could never be what you

wanted however hard I tried

however good futile not a

boy never will be first to go to

university doesn’t matter became

a teacher will only be poor why not

 doctor lawyer accountant my heart

sank not good enough not good enough

not now never then hubby put me out with

the rubbish shut the door and forgot about me

no men came to pick me up I took myself away

injured little bird with broken wings grounded

penniless homeless seeking shelter

 

I have done family from the first breath

they did me too

I didn’t know now

it is all but too late

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About cho wan yau

Teacher by day poet/writer by night. Words have been my first love and will be my last. As a child I locked myself into the toilet devouring books which transported me to distant lands. Poetry shared penned from 2009-2010 in a titanic struggle to stay sane at Heartbreak Hotel. Please check it out on chowanyau@wordpress.com. Any comments or feedback welcome. Why not share your story with me, because we all have one, don't we?

Posted on September 22, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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