Letter to K (Sent)

Let’s have a grown up calm conversation and an open honest one.

Why?  Why can you love A and share your true self and you couldn’t with me?

Why do you want compassion and understanding when you did not find it in your heart to show me some?

Why were you not there when I needed you most?

Why did you betray my trust and broke my heart?  It is still not fully mended, work in progress.

Why did you never publish a volume of love poems for me however crap?

Was my love not worth anything, an inferior brand?

Why haven’t you been supporting M since move to Bulgaria?
Why haven’t you made the effort with her? The occasional email, lunch when you happened to be in UK, one or two tickets to Sofia a yr don’t cut it and you know it.  It’s convenient.  She’s not important anymore??  Not worth bothering with?  And don’t say I came to help her move didn’t I and I had only started a new job any father would have done that, any and ones who supported her meanwhile too, so don’t be an arse.
Word of warning for old times’ sake don’t build your happiness on someone else.  That was my mistake.
I wish you no harm.  I have never wished anybody harm, if it happened, I apologise, it was incidental, not planned, manslaughter not murder.
I would like it very much if you allowed a tiny space in your head, heart to think of me now and again.  You don’t even have to tell me.  We had love, I know, I was there, we cared, you did too and not just about M.  It hurts too much to be deleted, obliterated, eliminated.  Can you find it in your heart, a bit of compassion and yes I am asking with tears in my eyes, so I know that I did matter, I didn’t imagine it, I wasn’t delusional.  I was loved by you, the only man I ever loved and I will never love another like I did you.  That’s why it still hurts.  I know I am a fool but hey ho that’s me, an emotional fool.  I take full responsibility for my idiocy loving a man who squandered and stamped on my love.

Last of all what I really want to know is did you change beyond recognition or this has been the real you all along?


About cho wan yau

Teacher by day poet/writer by night. Words have been my first love and will be my last. As a child I locked myself into the toilet devouring books which transported me to distant lands. Poetry shared penned from 2009-2010 in a titanic struggle to stay sane at Heartbreak Hotel. Please check it out on chowanyau@wordpress.com. Any comments or feedback welcome. Why not share your story with me, because we all have one, don't we?

Posted on September 27, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Mama G (I love that, hah) – it is hard to see you in pain still about these issues. I see this kind of thing happen all the time though, where someone leaves someone else claiming that they just don’t love them, don’t feel for them what they should… then they go find someone else and give all that love, passion and wonder to THEM instead! Why person B and not person A? Even when person A would have given them the moon, the entire universe and treated them like a king… it just doesn’t make sense.

    Maybe I will blog about this later, but this same thing happened to H’s parents actually and it has forever puzzled me. Love is so complicated. It just picks and chooses where to land and infect people I suppose.
    Hugs for you because I always need one too 😦 xoxoxo

  2. Thanks Jade we all need hugs and here’s a huge one across cyperspace to you too. Save up and come to see Mama G. in HK. You can stay with me cos hotels are extortionate and we’ll paint the city red. Mama G. x

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