Let’s talk depression (2)
I like to think of myself as living with depression rather than suffering from; it puts a more optimistic and positive spin on the illness. And yes it is an illness like any other, a chronic one which some associate with being very serious or even terminal, no it means it is long term. No magic wand, fairy godmother to kiss it better, no amount of willing, pulling your socks up, pulling yourself together, snapping out of it is gonna do it.
I must have read all the self help books that were ever published and seen countless counsellors, courtesy of the nhs and privately when I could afford it. Psychologists and when it got really serious, as in suicidal thoughts serious, even psychiatrists galore. Weird that there are no resources to help you but once you say you would be better off dead, miraculously a whole crisis team turns up on your doorstep daily until you have seen the error of your ways. An appointment is made to see your local consultant psychiatrist. They can’t do enough. Is this to cover their arse? Not wanting to appear before the GMC or another enquiry? Lessons to be learnt? Lack of communication between the multi-agencies?
The crisis was of course the recurrence after almost reaching the magical 10 year ‘cured’ mark and the business going down the drain and the hubby having a nervous breakdown, how convenient, and there was selfish me expecting support. I was told off by ‘friends’, clearly they were his not mine, ‘Can’t you see the man is suffering?’ Excuse me who is the one with the 2.9cm grade 3 lump on the side of the total mastectomy? Grade 3 for you out there lucky enough to have escaped breast cancer is the most serious short of metasis, which means the cancer has spread, that is stage 4, which spells the end. Time to write your will, say goodbye to your family. Then they don’t talk about ‘cure’ but jargon like ‘palliative care’ is bandied about. That means they’ll make you comfortable, try to improve your quality of life, control pain but you’re going to die in the near future. Time to get your affairs in order.
I started off talking about depression and have digressed. But you know as well as I nothing is clear cut. It is all a murky messy slimy mess. Depression, cancer, divorce are all entangled in the web of my fragmented head and heart. The holy trinity of mind, body, soul and for me the three curses of my life the 2Ds and the big C.
I am convinced I am still here despite it all merely to irritate. I am good at that.
Watch this space. For further installments of broken heart, mind, body, spirit; coming to a good blog near you.
Over and out Mama G.