I hate the look of pity in people’s eyes in HK when I am eating out on my own or when you tell them you are single, divorced, living on your own and your family and friends are back in London.  They look at you as if you are insane.  Why would anybody in their right mind, particularly a woman who is clearly no longer a spring chicken uproot herself and settle without any social network? 

It is not safe, for one thing, oh no, not for a single woman.  A rejected, dumped one.  No longer pleasing to her husband.  She must have done something wrong, not tried hard enough, maybe even burnt the food and not got up in the middle of the night to cook her man and his friends a midnight feast.  Crimes against humanity; that is not taking good care of the men in your life.

I do not require pity; I positive detest it.  I am happy being single.  I thrive on the freedom, just pleasing myself, doing what I like, when I like and with who I choose.  I am my own boss.  No compromises, delicate and difficult negotiations, no putting others’ needs before yours.  I can be ‘selfish’.

Do I get lonely?  Yes, sometimes.  Do I look over at the other tables occupied by happy families or a group of friends laughing and chilling and feel a pang of sadness and envy?  Yes.  Do I wish I had my own family with hubby and daughter during the good times?  More than anything in the world.  What I wouldn’t give to turn back the clock.

But it’s not gonna happen, this is the reality and we can’t press the unwind or rewind button on our life.  I don’t believe in a God.  I don’t believe in an afterlife or a previous one.  This is it, as far as I’m concerned, no dress rehearsals or take two, so I may as well live life to the full and make the most of the time allocated.

My parent’s failing health has been a bleak reminder that if you want to do something you’d better do it now, cos you never know when you won’t be able to walk, talk, swallow, eat or when your mind is going to go and you won’t even recognise your own children. 

The time to be happy is now.  We waste a lot of time fretting over things that are not really that vital and often out of our control and make ourselves and others sick and miserable.  Ask yourself in the wider scheme of things would it matter in five or ten years’ time?  Probably not.

The thought that we are totally insignificant is oddly comforting and puts things into perspective.  Our dramas and tragedies are hugely important to us but not to anybody else; nobody cares a damn, they have enough problems of their own.  They say don’t sweat the small stuff but I would go further and advise you not to even sweat the big stuff.

Would I like a good man to stumble into my life and treat me right?  Hell yes.  Would I go and actively seek him out?  No.  If it happens it happens, I’m cool with that.  If it is meant to be then he will find me.  If not it is not a disaster.  I can still be happy and live a fulfilled life.  I won’t die without a man but I will without food or money.

Would I move in with him? No.  Would I remarry ever again?  A resounding no.  I value my space, liberty and autonomy too much.  I will enjoy his company and it would be lovely being that someone special in his life but I will be equally happy away from him.  We do not need to be Siamese twins.  In fact I think that is a far healthier relationship when even if he calls time or dies suddenly that you can still function under the grief and sadness. 

Love is fabulous but to love too much and dependency is toxic to mental well being and being truly free.

To tell you the truth I’m not optimistic a good man will come into my life.  At my age those available will be divorced and carrying their own baggage and with kids to support and alimony to pay.  I don’t want any of that.  I want a man who is truly free and a straightforward relationship, pure and simple.

If by this age they’ve never had a serious relationship then you wonder why.  Do they not like women or are they just Mama’s Boy.  Good men are a rare commodity, sorry fellas, cynical moi?  If they are that good and know how to treat a woman right then they would have been whipped up and no woman worth her salt will let him go. 

Definitely a gap in the market. would make a cool dating site. 

If you know of any single good men out there interested in a petite middle aged Chinese lady with GSOH and most of her own teeth give us a shout.  Thank you in advance.

About cho wan yau

Teacher by day poet/writer by night. Words have been my first love and will be my last. As a child I locked myself into the toilet devouring books which transported me to distant lands. Poetry shared penned from 2009-2010 in a titanic struggle to stay sane at Heartbreak Hotel. Please check it out on Any comments or feedback welcome. Why not share your story with me, because we all have one, don't we?

Posted on October 6, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

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