sad

Mama G is kinda sad today, need a hug.  I made one friend in HK who’s a neighbour, actually it is Topless with the 3 roaming dogs, people who’ve read my HK posts will know him.  He phones me up and asks where I am and insists on picking me up on his motorbike to save me lugging heavy shopping and having to get on the crowded MTR (tube/subway) and then the minibus to our obscure village.  He works nights at the Container Terminals in Kwai Chung and being an insomniac we often talk the night away.  He has a good sense of humour, been through some shit of his own so understands betrayal and loneliness and I always feel better after the chat.

He was always getting wet on the bike but doesn’t have a lot left after supporting his kids from two different women from his monthly wages to get a proper waterproof jacket.  Here, despite my broken ankle, I have been hobbling on my crutch and walking boot to find just the thing for him.  Did you know most are only shower proof?  The fully waterproof ones are twice the price or more and the thing to look out for is the zip and seams, apparently.  Another problem is it has to be lightweight cos most of the time it is over 30 degrees centigrade and the coldest it gets is 10.  It has to be long enough so he doesn’t get a wet bump, big enough so he can add a jumper in the winter and can steer his bike with ease but fitted enough to keep the rain off.

I was going to surprise him with this rather expensive purchase hoping to see the grin spread all over his cheeky face.  Now I don’t even know if I should still give it to him or try to get a refund.  It did cost a lot and I’m kinda broke, not having earned anything since arriving in London 6 Sept due to the broken ankle and so the delayed return to work.

I normally ring him cos I have this special sim card that only cost 1p a minute to phone HK.  But this time he phoned.  I was delighted, I thought, ah he really misses me and is prepared to pay a fortune to talk.  Mmmm.  I should have known.  I hadn’t been able to get in touch for the last few days, highly unusual, it always goes to his voicemail, this only usually happens on his day off, Wednesdays but after that he always picks up almost immediately.

Here it comes, the dear John letter but over the phone.  I have spent a whole week thinking about it.  I don’t want to hurt you.  I don’t want you ending up hating me, accusing me of having led you on, not having been honest from the start.  There is no possibility of us having a serious relationship.  I have two many ties, meaning the two women and the kids he supports.  The idea of being faithful to one woman is alien.  I don’t want to promise and know I can’t honour it.  You have been hurt enough, I don’t want to cause more harm.  I care about you.  I am doing this to protect you.  I am thinking of you and for once in my life not being selfish.  I don’t deserve your love.

We haven’t started anything, just been friends, it hasn’t been anything physical.  Otherwise it’d be different.  Better this way.

I don’t want you to be the topic of village gossip, to be stuck with a bad reputation, things are different here in HK.  Nobody will believe we haven’t done it.  It is better for you this way, I am protecting you.

We can’t even be friends anymore, or have anything to do with each other, you go your way, I go mine.

I won’t come and pick you up from the airport now and though I did take the day off to celebrate your birthday that is not possible now.  I know I have caused you a lot of trouble and made you the topic of gossip and rumours.

My heart sank, I cried silent tears.  I knew it was not possible to ever have a serious relationship.  He is too damaged, scarred by his wife’s affair and betrayal.  He even confessed for the first time during the Dear John speech that he beds so many women for revenge.  Rather disturbing.  And it’s kinda touching that he does genuinely care and respect me not to make me into one of those women.  That he has heard, witnessed and acknowledged my pain that he restrains from inflicting more, that he doesn’t want to be the one.  I want to see you laugh not cry.  That is one of the sweetest things anybody has ever said to me.

I will miss him terribly.  He was my friend, my only one in HK.  I will miss the chats, the companionship, sharing a beer and shooting the breeze, having someone to remind me to leave the past behind, to focus on now and to live life.  I will miss him singing to me, he has a lovely voice which touches my soul, I will miss having a younger slightly cheeky, mischievous brother.

He is not a bad person, albeit damaged which is a shame.  We could have been very good together, when we were together we always had a good time, could be ourselves warts and all and we could talk about anything, absolutely anything without being shocked or judged.

It’s gonna be hard living next to him.  I shall have to plunge into work and keep busy and luckily he is not around from 6pm so I won’t bump into him much.

It’s a stark reminder that ultimately we are on our own, it was good while it lasted but every party has to end.  Like he says we never started.  But it is not about sex, is it?  No we never made love but emotionally I had already started and hoping and falling but I will be ok.  I am sad, disappointed that the culture in HK doesn’t allow us to even be friends, that we would be the subject of juicy malicious gossip.  Most of all I hate being judged by people who doesn’t know me from Adam and who are totally insignificant and quite honestly I couldn’t give a toss what they thought.  It’s all lies.

But I respect his decision.  He has recently ended it with a woman in the village so it would be awkward if he openly started something with me and she would most likely cause a scene and accuse me of stealing her man.  The OW role doesn’t suit me, I’ve never worn that hat and never will.  I don’t want to build my happiness on another woman’s pain.

So my mind tells me this is for the best and that he has done you a favour doing the sensible thing while you couldn’t be decisive and end it to protect yourself.  Hey so why do I still feel sad, need a hug and miss him?

Heart seems to win hands down every time …

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About cho wan yau

Teacher by day poet/writer by night. Words have been my first love and will be my last. As a child I locked myself into the toilet devouring books which transported me to distant lands. Poetry shared penned from 2009-2010 in a titanic struggle to stay sane at Heartbreak Hotel. Please check it out on chowanyau@wordpress.com. Any comments or feedback welcome. Why not share your story with me, because we all have one, don't we?

Posted on October 8, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. *HUGS* for Mama G…
    I’m so terribly sorry things turned out this way – even if yeah, it does sound like a really good thing that he did, not wanting to turn you into one of those ‘revenge women’… Sounds like he at least saw that you were genuine and good and didn’t want to hurt you in any way.
    Still, you have lost a friend and companion which helped brighten your life and the pain of that I know too well. Hoping you are feeling better and will perhaps meet someone new to help make things not feel so lonely… because yes you’re right, we are ultimately alone. Still trying to get a handle on that and not let it eat me alive. But it’s still nice when there are at least others there to share in the loneliness. x

  2. Thanks kid. I’m hoping that in time he and I can be friends again.

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