I can’t cope

Too much it is all too much.  Mum is dying, doctors have prepared us, it is highly unlikely she will pull through …  From a possible 2 week stay it has suddenly turned into an ‘end of life plan’ discussion and a family conference on whether to stop medical treatment and make her comfortable.  Well we all know what that means …

Should I fight her corner as she is clearly not ready or is it more merciful to let her go …

Could I be really selfish and flee the country back to that simple happy new life I worked so hard at creating in HK and leave my siblings to it?  Or stay till the bitter end which will be extremely painful and distressing?

Should I for once in my life put myself and my needs first??  Is doing that selfish???

I’m putting off the phone call to my parents to delay my return yet again because I know it may well mean I am going to lose my livelihood and only source of income?  I am on my own and the poorest out of all my family basically because I loved and trusted the wrong man.  I am not being a victim, it is the truth but I am taking responsibility for the fact that it was my choice to marry him and now I now it was the wrong one as he wasn’t who I thought.  He betrayed me in the worse way possible by not being there when I needed him the most and kicking me when I was down.

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About cho wan yau

Teacher by day poet/writer by night. Words have been my first love and will be my last. As a child I locked myself into the toilet devouring books which transported me to distant lands. Poetry shared penned from 2009-2010 in a titanic struggle to stay sane at Heartbreak Hotel. Please check it out on chowanyau@wordpress.com. Any comments or feedback welcome. Why not share your story with me, because we all have one, don't we?

Posted on October 23, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. 😦 I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to help you or make you feel better… I can only pray

  2. When the time finally comes, as it does to all of us, there is nothing that can be done to stop it, only delay it or make the person comfortable – either way, if your Mum is like mine was, she would not want you jeopardising your livelihood to sit and wait with her for her death – mine phoned the day before she died, just to say goodbye – I couldn’t get a flight home until the day before the funeral, but I had managed to see her and make up with her a few months before.
    She told me that me being angry with her was normal – all kids disagree with one or both of their parents, either inside themselves, or, out loud – but it’s part of life and growing up – and she didn’t stop loving me anyway.

    • Thanks. Why is it strangers across cyberspace get what we are going through so much more than family?

      • Probably because the threat of death to a loved one, especially a parent, causes fear as well as sadness and distress. Frightened people cling to those closest to them, usually family, in order to feel safe again.

        Your oldest brother or sister living closest to your Mum will deal with any necessary arrangements and be the source of comfort for the rest of the family and I hope, include you in that comforting.

        Stay strong, don’t dwell on regrets, learn from them instead and do what airlines tell you to do when the oxygen masks drop down – put your own mask on first, make sure it’s working properly and you are getting oxygen – THEN help others.

        Hope that helps 🙂

  3. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you find peace in the endless tidal wave of emotions.

  4. Oh my God, I’m so sorry to hear, Mama G 😦 😦 So terribly sorry. It is such a hard decision to make, the situation you’re in, such a painful thing to have to face…
    We just lost our grandmother, and my Mom has been inconsolable along with the rest of her siblings but… I can’t imagine having to be the one to decide whether or not to let her go SIGH 😦
    The thing about regretting being angry with her… there’s a lot of that going on around here too, a few of my aunts and uncles are just lost in devastation now due to feelings of guilt and regret. I wish I could help them, and help you.
    Too much pain in life. Too much. I wish you luck no matter what happens, and love, and strength… xoxoxo please keep us updated! *HUGS*

  5. I agree with The Story Reading Ape — put your own mask on first. Do what you need to do, whatever that may be. About the past, whatever choice you made is a valid choice because you made it. And sometimes we can’t control the circumstances. Don’t let anyone punish you for taking care of yourself. Family can be supportive, or family can not be supportive. It’s up to you to decide what’s helpful for you, because you are your own expert. Even family doesn’t know what’s best for you as well as you know. And sometimes people just don’t understand how much suffering being around them causes. I know these things from personal experience.

    I hope that helps

  6. Thanks for all your supportive kind words, I really appreciate them.

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