Closure

I sent this letter today because it is time for closure, for the hurt, anger, resentment eating me up and stopping me from engaging fully in life to end.
Dear K

How are you?  I hope you are well and happy.

Since we stopped being a couple I have grown up a lot, I guessed I had to.  I’m sorry that I made it difficult for you to carry on loving me.  I acknowledge my part in our marriage ending; I did lean on you too much and that was unfair and no doubt stifling.  Perhaps I never felt loved by my parents so subconsciously I was looking for someone strong to take good care of me.

I would like to thank you for being such a star during my first encounter with cancer and for all the support you did give me during my on/off depression.

I realise that with the recurrence and your business failing it was all too much and you couldn’t be there for me.

And I am sorry I made you piggy in the middle with your parents, it must have been a nightmare.  In retrospect maybe I could have handled things better.

And of course you were a superb dad and we gave M a wonderful and happy childhood.  And you were a responsible and hard-working husband and father who alway worked to provide for the family.  For that I thank you.

Having said all that, I don’t take full responsibility for what wrong.  I think life would have been a lot easier for both of us if you could have opened up more emotionally and was prepared to hear what I had to say, especially regarding money.  You took your parents’ side with the car accident when you should have stood up for me, your wife.  You could have been less critical and not put me down in front of friends and family.

And at the end yes you have a right to your life and happiness but you did not have to be so brutal.  There were things said that were unnecessary and hurt me more than chemo and is more lasting.  Kicking someone when she is down is not cool.

I thank you for your love and the good times and happy memories.  For a while I had the happy family I had always dreamed of, where I could love and be loved and of course experience the miracle of childbirth and seeing our beautiful baby grow.  M will be 21 in two days’ time, doesn’t time fly?

Married to you, I have experienced moments of happiness but also of great loneliness and isolation.  Sometimes, like at the chapter meets, I felt like a puppy following you but that you’d much rather I wasn’t there.  You know, that is an awful feeling.  And at the end you just did not talk to me.  It was clear you didn’t want to be there and you were already planning your exit.  Working on making your Harley solo was part of that.

We had something very real and very special.  Of my three long-term relationships you were the only one I loved.  I loved and trusted you unreservedly.  I guess there will always be a space in my heart for you.

I hope that you have become less logical and more human.  I hope too that you and I one day can be friends, for M’s sake, as I don’t want any awkwardness at her graduation or wedding or with our grandkids if we ever have any.

Though we have not seen or spoken to each other for years and you have put me away neatly in the compartment in your head labelled Past, I’m afraid you and I will always be linked by the beautiful life we created out of love.

M has turned out to be a mature, well-balanced, intelligent, independent and compassionate young woman.  We should be proud.  We did a good job, K.  Please do make more effort to see her.  She is the best gift you’ll ever have.  But for her, I would definitely be dead.  She was the reason for me to fight to stay alive.

I miss our family.  I miss you.  But nothing lasts forever, I know that now.
CW
Advertisements

About cho wan yau

Teacher by day poet/writer by night. Words have been my first love and will be my last. As a child I locked myself into the toilet devouring books which transported me to distant lands. Poetry shared penned from 2009-2010 in a titanic struggle to stay sane at Heartbreak Hotel. Please check it out on chowanyau@wordpress.com. Any comments or feedback welcome. Why not share your story with me, because we all have one, don't we?

Posted on February 15, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. This is an extraordinary example of great charcter. Kudos to you, lady.

    • Not sure about that but it’s only so long you can hold onto anger and the past and almost 6 years is more than enough.

      • It would have been hard enough for me to write. I’m not sure at all if I could have sent it. So that’s the perspective I’m coming from. I made my apologies to my ex for my part in our madness, but mine amounted to about two sentences. 🙂

      • There was a lot of madness to apologise for. I didn’t want to see myself as the ‘victim’, the one wronged anymore. After all I didn’t have to put up with the emotional abuse, I could have been more assertive, I could have ended the marriage earlier. I allowed it to happen and to continue, so I have to take responsibility for that.

  2. But I don’t let him off the hook totally because of course both of us could have done things better and differently. I make no apologies for my illnesses, for they were out of my control and uninvited.

    Though I acknowledge how difficult it must have been for him during my recurrence, it doesn’t take away the fact that I was deeply hurt and felt betrayed. This letter does not negate any of the hurt, pain and sadness I felt. It is just a more balanced and trueful account of what went down and the role each of us played.

    But hindsight is a beautiful thing. I didn’t know the things I know now and we were different people then. Much as it pains me to admit it, I would not have learnt these harsh but valuable lessons if I hadn’t had those painful experiences. I wouldn’t be the me now. I was very naive and didn’t live in the real world; being the baby of the family I guess I was protected and spoilt without even realising and never grew up.

    Circumstances forced to grow up pretty sharpish, which is probably not a bad thing, tough love!

  3. I’m unable to ‘like’ this post since this is not something celebrate-able. I’m glad that you’ve written what’s in your mind & heart. Yes, words that came from mind & heart actually very direct, though at times painful. Like you’ve told me, that’s life baby. I do believe in fate that bring a couple together, what’s happening after that is how and what that couple going to work on. Match-make from heaven but life on earth. Since we both have been our parents so-called ‘pearl on the palm’, been living in the rose garden for long, suddenly had to endure and bumping heads onto the laws of experience, I guess we’ll emerge as someone stronger than what we used to. To change is for the better, stronger – but don’t end up hurting people we love and others. You’re one of my inspirations. 🙂

    I’m also glad that you have Cleo by your side and you have a new place to enjoy.

    XOXO,
    Debbie

  4. You must really have hard an unimaginably hard time that lead you to write it down, it’s obvious that each and every of those words came from your very heart.
    As below comments, I can’t put a like on the post, not because I don’t like it, it’s really a masterpiece, wordly speaking, but because it talks about bad memories that should be left behind, yet not forgotten.

    Hope everything will get better in the future! Someone able to write this well deserves at least the best of the oportunities!

  5. Dig it up, dig it out. A catharsis. Sending a strong woman blessings for happiness, light and love.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: