Wish

Wish

I could bottle pain

watch it sail away

capture sadness

let it soar

gather disappointment

see it burn

seek selective amnesia

sieve away the bad

rationalise persuade

erase

yet in the core of my very being

the dull aches keeps throbbing

robbied fobbed off

powerless defenceless

for being mere human

failing to live up to expectations

imperfect flawed unworthy

Wish

Still

Still I believe in Love

in her power to heal

kiss better the gaping

wound savaged by barbed

wire twisted knife deep into

the core of my being i never

knew a heart could break

literally but i felt it crack

when you would not look

me in the eye

Still I do not regret our Love

I hold onto the good

No one can take the memories

Our yesterdays shared history

No not even you

Nor the ending

Or your I don’t care fuck

Still I believe in Love

Poem a day challenge #16 Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall

    who’s the saddest of us all

Mirror mirror on the wall

whose reflection

unrecognisable 

blank stare

dead eyes

corpse like

     hint of familiarity 

souless

Mirror mirror on the wall

who’s the loneliest of us all

Poem a day challenge #15 Opposites

Tasted delicious euphoria deep deep sorrow

surrounded friends family weary body soul dragging

scaled Mt. Optimism all I wanna is to die blessed relief

beautiful smiling bride bitter divorcee

essential part of happy family thrown out with the trash recycling not required

jonathon livingston seagull soaring free crashed spectacularly wing lopsided grounded

licking wound gazing longingly up

will she ever fly again

scale the heights of delight

look down upon

world of goodness

restore faith in humanity

just a blip unlucky

gonna be ok kid

One day you’re gonna fly high high above the clouds

leave the sorrow behind

healed

Poem a day challenge#14 finale

Bow out not to standing ovation Mexican

wave one hand clapping mine grim darkness no

spotlight following illuminating hate endings good

byes slip away unnoticed eerie hollow echoing

silence sad hurting sabotage what I am best at

crush what’s good fear love unworthy strange

phenomenon must acclimatise lack oxygen on

mountain top shit parents crap childhood don’t

cut it broken record even i am bored so hands

up screwed up me me alone all by myself no

accomplice accessory to crime I bear full

responsibility consequence yes I plead quilty

your honour the loss missing you hole in heart

but know cannot unwind rewind unsay undo

delete what is done is done work in progress

have long way to go but gotta start somewhere

somehow bow out to lights fading empty

stage sole shadow curtains

fall the finale

Different kinda pain

for me on this my 21st wedding anniversary

(thanks go to Andrew Urquhart, fellow blogger for suggesting the title)

 

feeling kinda blue wanna

     drown in the ocean of forgetfulness

resolutely slam that door full

speed ahead to infinity and

beyond

 

how come you can wave the

‘past’ goodbye with such

abandon glee no trace of

sadness sprinting  to embrace

future

 

Did it mean nothing to you

marriage me us our

love i was there for the

duration good bad ugly

absurd

 

Different kinda pain 

sixth year alone cross your

mind that summer’s day the

     eighth of eighth month

lucky

 

This time tears all

cried out no searing paralysing

jab just dull lingering ache

hunkers down to fight another

day

 

I will remember our happy 

union till last breath not

relegate to just another

day for it meant the world to

me

 

Different kinda pain

 

Shouldn’t but does

 

Shouldn’t but does

 

Shouldn’t bother me but

does you going off to Bulgaria

see a stranger you’ve fallen

in love with prepared to fly all those miles

hire a car other end

 

All these years I have been here 

next to you in bed on the couch

waiting yearning for

you to

communicate

acknowledge

validate my

existence worth sharing

yourself

want to know

who

I am

 

But

you

never did

 

Shouldn’t bother me but

does how you effortlessly

walked away from the past no lingering 

backward glance as if those eighteen years

never happened mattered

 

Are you a good actor

or you really don’t care

devoid of emotions just relieved

rid of irritating inconvenience

 

What does she offer that I

can’t

another delusion infatuation

 

You

may one day come to

your senses mourn the

loss of one who

loved you without reservation

seek and find her

gone

 

For she

will have changed

stronger pain is an

effective teacher no

longer needs nor loves

you

 

Made her live a Lie

crucified everything

she

believed

valued

 

Shouldn’t bother but 

does

you

 

         

 

melancholy

Gorgeous is a little melancholic today, suddening realising that this day 21 years ago she was a beautiful bride in plum silk cheung sam sitting on the love of her life’s knee to take their wedding photo.  It was the  best day of her life followed closely by that early morning half a year later when her beautiful baby came into this world.  Her angel and shining light.  She was beaming from deep within and so was he.

Alas the fairy tale didn’t last; the princess turned into a middle aged cancer survivor/divorcee living with depression and nursing a broken heart literally and emotionally.  Rejection has hit her hard, to the very core of her being and she has had to dig deep, grit her teeth and go on.

Out of body (3)

 

Pungent overwhelming reeks of decay

the decomposing hollow eyed corpse lay

billy no mates in a dusty corner forgotten invisible but

for the army of maggots merrily tunnelling in and out the

cavities as if it was disneyland florida

 

She looking down wanted to scream

‘can’t you see me lying rotting away

at least have the decency to give me a proper burial

send off

don’t just trip over me and curse’

 

But deaf blind and dumb they ignored her

as if she was dead and

carried on with their lives

the father getting into more debt

the girl plotting to leave home

the worms crawling all over the screen

 

No wonder cats howled at full moon

loss (2)

like days blown by autumn leaves

swept by the breeze the pebble

sinking to the bottom of the sea

snow melting into the ground

memories edited distorted collected

full circle we have come nothing new

under the sun raging crashing waves

no hidden secret buried deep on the

ocean floor loss smiles beckons a

long lost friend reunited I embrace

thee cease be for you are the fabric

of life men come and go and stuff

what sifts through the giant colander

of time space is what’s worth

holding on family mates life itself