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I stand here, yelling and screaming.
My face flushed with anger and hate.
I scream “I fucking hate you!” as tears run down my face.
I can’t stand to look at you but I can’t ever leave you.
I scream “You’re always ruining my life!”
All you do is look at me with no words of your own.
I want to punch, kick, slap and beat you.
I want to tear myself away from you and all that you are.
Your lies, your deceit, your fears, your self-loathing, your torment and your judgement.
They all come with heavy prices that I have to pay and I’ve paid in blood.
I scream at you “I wish you would just fucking die!”
And you still have nothing to say.
I want to see that there’s feeling in your eyes and not just a cold and callus stare.
I want you to acknowledge…
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Mr Heart Doc
Won’t you write me a prescript
Numb the heartache
When will it stop
The lingering pain
Has been 2000 days
Isn’t it time
Mr Heart Doc
Mr Heart Doc
In your eyes I stand accused
Quilty without trial the problem
You’re better without
No more messy feelings smashing things
Anger difficult emotions tidied away
Under lock and key
I just wanted to be seen and heard
A hurt little girl needing reassurance
Even if the sky tumbles the Earth crumbles
You not abandon me to insanity despair
I didn’t need you to understand
Just be there hold my hand
Why can’t we simply be us
Why do people always want
you to be someone else
someone you are not
to put on a mask like them
one for each occasion
play the game of lies array
the winner takes it all
so many falsehoods told
they don’t know
who they are anymore
Being true and real
the lone voice in the crowd
so they trample you
strangle your spirit
but I will be me
I don’t know how
to be someone else
someone I am not
I don’t want to be
I only know how
to be me
I like being me
At least I am not fake
No mask to take off before bed
Struggling to remember
which to put on for when and whom
You cannot kill my spirit
Change my essence
You may call the shots
outwardly be successful and rich
wear pretty dresses and immaculately made up
have youth and beauty on your side
know how to put on a good show
but you are just an act
inside you are shallow and hollw
You cannot make me feel bad
I won’t let you
As Eleanor Roosevelt said
No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent
I refuse to play the game
Read your lines
Use your props
Be the sidekick of your double act
Guys good news and bad news. Good news is Mama G is back. Bad news is she quit her job of 3 weeks. Even Obama has to be polite to his staff.
Due to past experience I just don’t take no crap no more because I have learnt self respect. It is better that I resign before they sack me. I could see the writing on the wall when the manager’s ‘friend’ appeared to observe lessons on 2 consecutive days and then there was a long chat behind glass doors, otherwise known as an ‘interview’.
I guess I could have made them give me a month’ notice and have more of a buffer to pay the rent etc but you know what, life is too short to take shit. So it is back to putting up an ad on the local supermarket customer notice board.
But when I got into that taxi with all my stuff I felt such relief, it was like I could breathe again. The same kind of freedom I felt when I received my decree absolute and realised that I had been living with a control freak for years. What prisoners must feel when they walk out of jail.
I am proud of myself. I know I have finally grown up. Before I would have beaten myself up and got depressed again, telling myself, yet another failure to add to the growing list. But no, I refuse. I gave it a go, I tried my best. It didn’t work out. I am not going waste time and brain cells to analyse why. Move on. Tomorrow is another day.
Today is a gorgeous sunny day and not too hot or humid, just a pleasant user friendly 24 degrees celsius. I get to finally spend time with Cleo. We have missed each other in equal measure. I don’t have to be exhausted all the time and rushing around everywhere like a headless chicken. I get time to vent on my blog, check out what my friends are up to on facebook and fit in my facials and massage at a godly hour. And meet up with friends.
Yes, life is good. I have finally learn to love myself.
Moments real imagined
Fleeting etched in my heart
Two ships passing in the night
Left me broken
Message in a bottle reaches you not
Headed to shore the other way
Stranded on a desert island of my own making
waiting longing for moments that will never return
l have truly infiltrated the world of HK by joining the bleary eyed commuters, limbs contorted, being delivered with efficient speed to the place of work for yet another 10 hour stint. Pay low, hours long, 6 days a week is the norm. Like The Almighty the labour force gets to rest on the seventh
How long I will last l don’t know.
Guys just to let you know l won’t be posting for a while till I get used to the new job. lt’s going really well, just what the doctor ordered but tiring and challenging. The rusty brian is having to work overtime
losing it all you find what’s real
left with no choice you stumble upon the exit
the strong crumbles the weak stand tall
finally traverse the wall
kicked out of jail and soar