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i’m free now

you were always free

you just forgot


Let’s talk Hope

For Jade my beautiful adopted daughter


I am aware that my posts recently have been quite heavy all about depression, suffering, tears, cancer, divorce, heartbreak etc.  But to set the record straight my life hasn’t/isn’t just filled with misery.  That would have finished anybody off, even a tough old bird like me.  I used to be Jonathon Livingston Seagull, the rebel, black sheep, refusing to fit in, follow the crowd.  Slowly but surely I am becoming Jonathon again but an older wiser version.

Let’s talk hope because that is what has kept me alive and my daughter and the kindness of strangers and good friends which I can count on one hand that have stood by me and not dissolved into the ether.  And family of course, my family, not his.  They don’t want to know me, not even when I was supposedly part of the family and certainly not now.  I have no significance whatsoever, not as the woman in their son’s life for 18 years nor the mother of their first grandchild.  I am not important in my own right, as a separate being.  But that is fine because the best thing about the divorce is I need never have anything to do with them ever again.

Hope.  My favourite poem in English is by Emily Dickenson which starts, ‘Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all …’  Look it up, it is a beautiful poem and very meaningful.  I know it by heart and in my darkest lowest grimmest moments I recited it over and over again to remind myself that even this hell will pass though I didn’t believe it.

I tell you my friends out there across cyberspace and behind the screen, however bad it gets it will pass.  All things do, the good and thank goodness the bad too.  Time is your best friend.  And time really is a healer, cheesy but true.  Time brings about change.  Three things we can be sure of in this life:  Death, Taxes and Change.  Nothing remains the same, we grow old with time and constant change challenges us throughout our lives.

Survival of the fittest – those who can adapt to change survive those who can’t wither.  Have you ever read Primo Levi’s writings?  The Italian Jewish chemist who survived the concentration camp but sadly could not rid himself of the horrors and committed suicide by jumping down the flight of stairs in his apartment building in Paris?  In his writings about his experience during the Holocaust he said something along these lines, ‘The only freedom left in such horrific circumstances is how you decide to react’.  The ones who didn’t simply give up and lie down to die were more likely to come out alive, as he did.  Hope.

Hope and Love the most potent forces in the world.  Only hope and love can defeat Hate and Evil, put an end to hostility and war.  Words too.  ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’.  It is true.  Only when we start a dialogue, a genuine one, an open one can there be a possibility of peace in the troubled areas but those in power need to have the will and sincerity to want it; instead of sending youngsters to kill and be killed.  That I think amounts to crimes against humanity.  It is murder because you have actively sent them off to war knowing there is a high possibility they will die.  Some as young as 18 with all of their life ahead of them.

What inspired me to write this post was Jade’s comment about how my posts though full of pain endured still offers hope and that we can come out the other end, not unscathed but stronger and wiser.  Look, if I can survive all that within the space of a few years so can you.  I am just an ordinary human being, like you.  I have no secret powers, magic wand, formula.  I tell you the human spirit is resilient.  Courage will come when you need it.  When you don’t think you could possibly cope, you do, because you have to.  There is no choice.  Well there is.  The choice is brutal but a choice nevertheless: lie down and die or fight.  Fight and flight trigger when confronted with crisis, something that threatens your life, very being.  The will to live is very very very strong. 

Those who commit suicide must be in an extreme dark pain place where they see no alternative, way out, exit from their pain.  Some call them cowards.  They are wrong, I think it takes great courage and determination to extinguish the flame of your own life.  I am not advocating suicide by all means and those left behind have to live with that grief all their lives.  Others accuse them of being selfish but I think if you are in that much pain you are obviously not thinking straight.  If you have the presence of mind to worry about what it is going to do to your friends and loved ones then you wouldn’t be contemplating suicide or going through with it.  At least their suffering is over.  It is what they wanted.  We have no choice over our birth and family but we should over death.  Likewise with euthanasia especially as the person desires it.

Sorry I started off talking about hope and it has got heavy again.  But without the dark shades how can we see the light tones?  Without the stormy threatening clouds how would we appreciate the blue skies and sunshine?  Without despair euphoria?  Without chatter silence?  Without the shit in my life the new beginning?  Knowing who are the people who love me and stand by me come hell or high water, however difficult, crazy I got, how impossible?  I am blessed, beyond measure. 

Love and hope have kept me alive.  Not the love of a man which is what all the love songs on the radio glorified.  That love broke my heart, caused me to cry oceans of tears for 5 long years but no more.  Enough is enough.  It is time.  Family love, daughter, sisters; platonic love from friends and strangers.  Love from a stranger??  Any acts of kindness however minute is a display of love, of concern, of care, of wanting to ease your pain, of reaching out to another human being.  Empathy, compassion are under-rated whilst romantic love of the fairy tale happy ending kind is dangerously over-rated.  It is the biggest lie of all times, since records began.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that genuine long lasting love between the sexes and the same sex doesn’t exist, of course it does, I have many friends of whom I am very envious.  And I am very happy for them.  But it really is sold as the superior brand, that without it you couldn’t possibly be happy and fulfilled which is blatantly untrue. 

This post has been truly rambling and no doubt from a disturbed mind. 

Over and out Mama G.


A woman’s home is her fortress

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