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Loving yourself is lonely

I am sick and tired of people telling me to learn to love myself and to be positive.  It is hard enough to keep calm and carry on when shit keeps hitting the fan but to have to put a positive spin on it, smile and be grateful for whatever damn lesson it is supposed to be teaching you is a bit much.

Yes, yes, yes I hear you protest: you cannot love others or find true love unless you have learnt to love yourself.  But you know loving yourself is very lonely.  And most of the people who tell me this are in loving stable relationships.  Which is kind of a double slap to the face.  What do they know about heartbreak and rejection? Going home to be greeted by the blank four walls which do not greet you back nor wipe away your tears?

Not only do you have to suffer but you have to do it graciously; no resentment, anger, swearing, screaming, pulling of hair, smashing of plates.  Just meditate, breathe in breathe out and thank God for caring about you so much to send you these precious lessons.  Be still and contemplate what you can learn from all this.  It will make you stronger, after all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  Whoever coined that phrase should be shot!

Ah appreciate all that you had cos now you have lost it all.  But never mind, be positive, for then you can achieve anything and be anyone you want to be. Accept.  This is how it is not how it should be.  Live in the moment, breathe in breathe out.  To be born is to suffer.  All attachment bring pain.

If one more person tells me to be positive and to love myself I am going to scream at the top of my voice and I don’t care if the men in white with the designer fitted jackets cart me off.

Pet hates

Warning: if you are religious and easily offended please do not read.

There are some expressions which I really hate.  Some cos they are stating the obvious like Life goes on or There are always people worse off!  Then there is the Half glass full or half glass empty.

Recently I have added another to the list;  Suffering makes you strong.  Or words to that effect.  Bullshit.  I think religious people made that way up because they couldn’t find an answer to why bad things happen to good people.  So in order to justify its existence and that God is not just a sadistic bastard the purpose of suffering is to ennoble us to make us stronger to make us appreciate the good times.  Without the rain clouds how would we appreciate the sunshine? 

Why is it bullshit?  Because you were already strong before the suffering, otherwise where would you find the inner strength to come through?  Chicken and egg?  It doesn’t make you stronger.  It just gives you an overdose of reality.  Hey kid the world is a harsh unfair place and random, it doesn’t matter how good you are, get used to it! 

Recently I have been trigger lucky with clicking like pages on motivational quotes on fb and maybe this is a reaction to all the sugary pearls of wisdom.  Some are just downright lies.  Ones like as long as you are positive and believe you can do or be whatever you want.  Absolute baloney.  I can safely say I will never be a brain surgeon or Olympic sprinter however much I believe and visualise and utter affirmations.  No amount of post-its on my mirror and around the flat will do the trick.

Have your cake and eat it

As I am having an on-going debate with a fellow blogger on the existence of God it occurred to me that He always wins.  If I challenge Christians on why God the merciful and benevolent allows suffering and evil then I am reminded of Original Sin, you know Adam and Eve and the apple and snake story.  Isn’t it typical that it is the weaker sex, the woman who succumbs to temptation and gets us kicked out the Garden of Eden?  Thanks a bunch Eve, now we have to toil all our lives, get old, fall ill and die.  They also produce another secret weapon, Freewill.  It is not that God doesn’t care, in fact it really hurts Him to see us suffer but it is us mortals that choose to behave this way and we must therefore bear the consequences.  Basically it is all our fault, starting from the fact that Eve shouldn’t have bitten into that damn apple and then things just went downhill from there.  We continued to make wrong choices down the generations and that is why the world is the mess it is.

Nothing to do with God and Freewill means even the Omnipotent’s hands are tied.  How could he possibly intervene and put a stop to injustice, world poverty, Aids, oppression, abuse of human rights, starvation, human trafficking including children and so on and so forth

It seems that God doesn’t get burdened with any responsibility for the state of the world but gets all the credit when things go right.

If God ever retires and His position becomes vacant I wouldn’t mind applying.  Just hope there is no sex discrimination for this post.


Let’s talk religion

Gasp, hands waving madly, no, don’t do it, don’t you know you should never talk religion or politics?  Well you know me I am fearless and while we still have freedom of speech let’s use that right.

First off let me state I respect your faith.  If believing in the existence of God helps you through hard times and gives meaning to life and offers hope for a better one to come, then who am I to spoil the party? 

I was a believer then I wasn’t sure and sat on the fence for a long time and now I am a staunch atheist.  How did this unfortunate transformation take place?  What made me lose my faith and become a cynic?  In one word, Shit.

Let’s be honest here, nobody really knows if there is a God or not.  You may be right or I may be.  Either there is or there isn’t; in this case there are no grey areas.  Is there any scientific evidence that God exists?  Yes the Son of God came down to earth but how do we know he is God and not just a very good and wise man?  Yes the Bible tells us of the resurrection and miracles performed but how do we know that they actually happened and in the way described?

How do we explain away evolution which does have scientific backing?  If God is omnipotent why does he need worshippers to go sing hymns of how wonderful He is.  When Christians credit going through really tough times to God or saying Grace before every meal I find it an odd concept because surely it is you who have had to dig deep to survive.  What has God to do with it, how exactly did He help you?  You can say your faith gave you courage and strength otherwise you would have fallen to pieces and had a breakdown.  But it is a bit like the chicken and egg thing, in my humble opinion.

The allure of free food on Christmas Day persuaded me to attend a Christian gathering in a restaurant in a nice part of town.  But there is no such thing as a free lunch, in exchange I had to sit through an hour of sermons, hymns and listening to the choir.  One of the speakers, apparently this Church doesn’t have pastors with theological training only amateur enthusiasts was epousing a flawed argument that if we find something good we would want to share it with our loved ones and therefore we should spread the Word.  Why is this premise flawed?  Just because you believe something is good doesn’t make it so.  Nazis and the Holocaust?  I am sure Hitler believed in his cause.  Suicide bombers?  Forced arranged marriages? Cults?

What prompted this post?  I guess since it is Christmas I have been inundated with friends who keep saying thanks to God my life is good, thanks to God I rememembered just in time that I had left the gas stove on …  Your life is good partly because of luck but I suspect it is down to your being born in a middle class family that could afford to send you abroad to university and your own hard work and intelligence. 

If I have offended I offer no apologies, you are entitled to your faith and beliefs and I to my opinions.





The woman who was wounded

Actually I am more wounded than not normal.  To me I am very ‘normal’ and what I do, say, think and feel all make sense.  If I seem crazy than that is your perogative but I refuse to be defined.   I used to care too much what others think.  But through recent trials and tribulations I learnt just because someone says it, doesn’t make it true.  At the end of the day it is what you think that counts.

Undoubtedly I have been deeply wounded by all that life has thrown at me: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and any other …ly under the sun.  Sometimes I wonder if I have been very very very bad in my previous life or plain unlucky.  I was brought up a Christian and packed off to Sunday School, then to Youth Fellowship and attending church services.  I had to memorise Bible verses and could sing the order of the New Testament.  However I think it was St. Paul who told us God wouldn’t test us more than what we can bear.  Sorry Christians and Catholics out there.  What I went through was way too much for me, to the point that I seriously contemplated suicide more than once.  Only the thought of my daughter stopped me.

There are billions round the world whose plight is way worse but that doesn’t lessen nor negate my pain.  Anyway, how do you measure suffering, anguish and despair?

The good news is I am healing, the pain will linger as a dull ache but I am reaching the stage of acceptance.  I have suffered major loss upon loss upon loss in the  short space of a few years.  My standard of living has dropped significantly but I have gained freedom and happiness and that you can’t put a price tag on.  It’s not for sale nor does it go to the highest bidder at Christie’s.  Money is a necessary evil.  It certainly makes life easier and gives you  status but it doesn’t guarantee happiness.  Just look at the ongoing cases of celebrities who overdose or have to go into rehab.

I am not quite there yet but I am getting there …  Thank you for accompanying me on this road to finding myself and my voice and liking who I am.


Apologies in advance if I offend any readers who believe in God, this is not my intention; however I do believe in the right of free speech.

In my humble opinion I find it strange that believers credit God with everything good or bad in their lives.  If they manage to overcome some trauma or terrible situation it is because God gave them the strength and was watching over them.  If major shit hits the fan it is God testing and training them to be more resilient.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?  And of course God will not send you more than what you can bear.

Why doesn’t God stop child abuse, war, famine, natural disasters, the cruelty and evil we inflict on one another?  Ah you see we are given freewill and we choose to do harm and be bad.  It all started in that Garden of Eden with the snake and Eve and an apple that wasn’t supposed to have been bitten.

Me, I think we are on our own and this is it so make the most of it.  Life is not a dress rehearsal, no take two, no encore either.  What you see is what you get, no more no less.  Tell the ones who matter you love them while you can.  Eat your favourite food in moderation; you don’t want to accelerate your end needlessly but do enjoy life and live it to the full.  But do no harm.


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