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Why make it public?

A friend read the ‘Closure’ post and asked why I chose to make it public and what this says about me.  The answer is very simple.  I have been sharing my emotional journey of healing from the start.  I wanted others to celebrate with me the fact that in my head and heart I had made a huge leap, from blame and victimhood to owning responsibility for my part in the tragedy.  If you had seen or heard me five years ago, you would hard believe the transformation and breakthrough.  It is also a vital part of the process of acceptance and letting go. 

It begs the question, why make anything public?  Why blog, why post your status on fb, why tweet?  Why invite friends and family to witness your wedding?  After all marriage and that commitment to be part of each other’s life from this time forth is between you two, why make it public?  Why go to AA meetings, stand up, introduce yourself and admit in front of strangers that you have a problem with alcohol?

My question is why not?  I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide.  Yes I want a pat on the back, a high five.  I also want to share with those experiencing heartache and breakups now that however long it takes and how deeply you feel hurt, you will be able to forgiveness and get beyond the anger, sadness and sense of tremendous loss.  The scar will remain, you can’t pretend it never happened, that you suffered great pain but you can grieve, let it go and begin anew.  A sequel.  My birth, childhood, formative years were the prologue, marriage, depression, cancer, recurrence, separation, divorce, depression, struggles the main chapter and Shiny New Life in HK the sequel.  Not just another chapter but a brand new book which carries on the story but has a happy ending. 

It is our life, it is up to us to write the script, the plot, which characters to include or cut.  We can change tragedy to a comedy.  We get to decide the ending because we are the writer, producer, director and protagonist.  Such power.  Make it a good one.  One worth living and sharing.

Who stole the show?

Things always catch us by surprise.  I have posted about depression, life and death, loss, heartbreak, betrayal, cancer, divorce, starting a new life, getting off the floor, near homelessness, poverty, bereavement.  All deep and the big questions of Life.  What is the meaning of Life?  Why me?  Why me again?  Love, trust, family, friendship and so on and so forth

Yet the most likes I have got from one post is the one about my new baby, Cleo, the golden retriever, you know, the one with her photo.  Weird, isn’t it?  The canine has stolen my thunder.  To hell with cancer and death, ah isn’t she beautiful?  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind.  This is how it should be.  A celebration of love, of nature, of the bond between dog and woman!

Lovers often credit Fate for meeting.  I feel the same with Cleo, my soulmate.  She truly has a beautiful soul.  I am glad we have found each other.  We are going to be inseparable until death do us part, be it hers or mine.  She wouldn’t have it any oither way.

My daughter says it is really weird to see you with a dog, when I presented Cleo for the first time to her via Skype.  You may find it hard to believe but all my life I have been terrified of dogs.  I think they will bite me and the barking is intimidating.  I thought they were over-rated and their owners made a silly fuss of them. 

Cleo has made me into a believer.  She has so much love to give and so do I.  We are a good team.  Just what the doctor ordered, so good for my wounded spirit and broken heart.  I am sure my daughter loves me unconditionally but she is sometimes critical and irritated by me.  Cleo is the only living being that I feel accepts me absolutely and totally, no censure, no judgement, no seeing faults and room for improvement.  She just loves you.  End of, no more, no less.

She is the best new year’s present ever.  I am blessed.  2014 can only get better and better.


The woman who was wounded

Actually I am more wounded than not normal.  To me I am very ‘normal’ and what I do, say, think and feel all make sense.  If I seem crazy than that is your perogative but I refuse to be defined.   I used to care too much what others think.  But through recent trials and tribulations I learnt just because someone says it, doesn’t make it true.  At the end of the day it is what you think that counts.

Undoubtedly I have been deeply wounded by all that life has thrown at me: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and any other …ly under the sun.  Sometimes I wonder if I have been very very very bad in my previous life or plain unlucky.  I was brought up a Christian and packed off to Sunday School, then to Youth Fellowship and attending church services.  I had to memorise Bible verses and could sing the order of the New Testament.  However I think it was St. Paul who told us God wouldn’t test us more than what we can bear.  Sorry Christians and Catholics out there.  What I went through was way too much for me, to the point that I seriously contemplated suicide more than once.  Only the thought of my daughter stopped me.

There are billions round the world whose plight is way worse but that doesn’t lessen nor negate my pain.  Anyway, how do you measure suffering, anguish and despair?

The good news is I am healing, the pain will linger as a dull ache but I am reaching the stage of acceptance.  I have suffered major loss upon loss upon loss in the  short space of a few years.  My standard of living has dropped significantly but I have gained freedom and happiness and that you can’t put a price tag on.  It’s not for sale nor does it go to the highest bidder at Christie’s.  Money is a necessary evil.  It certainly makes life easier and gives you  status but it doesn’t guarantee happiness.  Just look at the ongoing cases of celebrities who overdose or have to go into rehab.

I am not quite there yet but I am getting there …  Thank you for accompanying me on this road to finding myself and my voice and liking who I am.

Poem a day challenge #15 Opposites

Tasted delicious euphoria deep deep sorrow

surrounded friends family weary body soul dragging

scaled Mt. Optimism all I wanna is to die blessed relief

beautiful smiling bride bitter divorcee

essential part of happy family thrown out with the trash recycling not required

jonathon livingston seagull soaring free crashed spectacularly wing lopsided grounded

licking wound gazing longingly up

will she ever fly again

scale the heights of delight

look down upon

world of goodness

restore faith in humanity

just a blip unlucky

gonna be ok kid

One day you’re gonna fly high high above the clouds

leave the sorrow behind


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