Blog Archives

In your eyes

In your eyes I stand accused

Quilty without trial the problem

You’re better without

No more messy feelings smashing things

Anger difficult emotions tidied away

Under lock and key

 

Misunderstood Disregarded

I just wanted to be seen and heard

A hurt little girl needing reassurance

Even if the sky tumbles the Earth crumbles

You not abandon me to insanity despair

I didn’t need you to understand

Just be there hold my hand

 

 

Closure

I sent this letter today because it is time for closure, for the hurt, anger, resentment eating me up and stopping me from engaging fully in life to end.
Dear K

How are you?  I hope you are well and happy.

Since we stopped being a couple I have grown up a lot, I guessed I had to.  I’m sorry that I made it difficult for you to carry on loving me.  I acknowledge my part in our marriage ending; I did lean on you too much and that was unfair and no doubt stifling.  Perhaps I never felt loved by my parents so subconsciously I was looking for someone strong to take good care of me.

I would like to thank you for being such a star during my first encounter with cancer and for all the support you did give me during my on/off depression.

I realise that with the recurrence and your business failing it was all too much and you couldn’t be there for me.

And I am sorry I made you piggy in the middle with your parents, it must have been a nightmare.  In retrospect maybe I could have handled things better.

And of course you were a superb dad and we gave M a wonderful and happy childhood.  And you were a responsible and hard-working husband and father who alway worked to provide for the family.  For that I thank you.

Having said all that, I don’t take full responsibility for what wrong.  I think life would have been a lot easier for both of us if you could have opened up more emotionally and was prepared to hear what I had to say, especially regarding money.  You took your parents’ side with the car accident when you should have stood up for me, your wife.  You could have been less critical and not put me down in front of friends and family.

And at the end yes you have a right to your life and happiness but you did not have to be so brutal.  There were things said that were unnecessary and hurt me more than chemo and is more lasting.  Kicking someone when she is down is not cool.

I thank you for your love and the good times and happy memories.  For a while I had the happy family I had always dreamed of, where I could love and be loved and of course experience the miracle of childbirth and seeing our beautiful baby grow.  M will be 21 in two days’ time, doesn’t time fly?

Married to you, I have experienced moments of happiness but also of great loneliness and isolation.  Sometimes, like at the chapter meets, I felt like a puppy following you but that you’d much rather I wasn’t there.  You know, that is an awful feeling.  And at the end you just did not talk to me.  It was clear you didn’t want to be there and you were already planning your exit.  Working on making your Harley solo was part of that.

We had something very real and very special.  Of my three long-term relationships you were the only one I loved.  I loved and trusted you unreservedly.  I guess there will always be a space in my heart for you.

I hope that you have become less logical and more human.  I hope too that you and I one day can be friends, for M’s sake, as I don’t want any awkwardness at her graduation or wedding or with our grandkids if we ever have any.

Though we have not seen or spoken to each other for years and you have put me away neatly in the compartment in your head labelled Past, I’m afraid you and I will always be linked by the beautiful life we created out of love.

M has turned out to be a mature, well-balanced, intelligent, independent and compassionate young woman.  We should be proud.  We did a good job, K.  Please do make more effort to see her.  She is the best gift you’ll ever have.  But for her, I would definitely be dead.  She was the reason for me to fight to stay alive.

I miss our family.  I miss you.  But nothing lasts forever, I know that now.
CW

Not even a toad

Valentine’s Day is fast on our heels but I am not holding my breath.  No prince on white horse, no, nay, not even a toad in sight.  Secret admirers, please form an orderly queue and apply within.  Must be tall, dark, handsome and think I am the best thing since sliced bread.  Integrity is an advantage as is a good heart.  Selfish bastards and control freaks need not apply. 

Trust

I trusted you

to have my back

be there

I

would have

taken

a bullet for

you

I

loved

you

unreservedly

wholeheartedly

sought

to see

the best in

you

did not

return the favour

fault finding

in all I did

When I needed

you

left

me

to swim or sink

betrayal

comes

in many guises

not just infidelity

I  thought

you

would be the

last man standing

I offered

you

my heart

you

broke

trust

is not

just another

word

Is there?

This morning I am wondering if there is someone out there for me and I simply haven’t met him yet?  You know the song?  If so I wonder what he looks like, who he is and what make him get out of bed every morning?  How will we meet and what will be our story?  Would it be a happy ending and we’ll keep each other company till the end of our days?  Yes I am still a diehard romantic. 

Lot of people have told me not to give up on Love just yet.  The cynical me doubt very much I’ll find Love again.  Trust issues seem to get in the way and no candidates have appeared on the horizon as yet.  Nobody has shown an interest whether suitable or not.  So maybe all this is just academic.  Maybe they lied, again, perhaps there isn’t somebody for everybody out there.  Just maybe the Gods have decreed that I live out the rest of my days alone, me and Cleo, best friends forever.

What do you think?

Name it

Words are potent and dangerous; they can both save lives, heal, offer hope or kill and bring about despair and change our lives forever.

I have had three long term relationships to date and only one of those men told me I was beautiful.  The third one whom I married and the only one I ever truly loved used many negatives to describe me both to friends and family and to me directly and indirectly. 

I am by no means a doormat nor a shrinking violet; yet this insidious drip drip effect of putdowns disguised as a joke and teasing at my expense made me very unhappy.  I could not pinpoint the reason nor the cause.  I was confused.  On the one hand we shared everything, had a beautiful daughter and was in the ultimate committed relationship as I saw it, marriage yet I sensed an emotional unavailability, lack of support and even brutality at times.  I couldn’t reconcile the two.

This confusion and frustration led to clinical depression which I fought on and off throughout my marriage.  In the end he held it up as the final straw that breaks the camel’s back or the final nail in the coffin, the corpse of our relationship which had been rotting for some time, though I refused to face it or give up on resurrecting it. 

Things came to a head when in a fit of anger he threatened to kill me.  Whether he meant it or not I was scared enough to run out barefoot in the early hours with nothing on me.  I ran to a friend’s in the village, rang the bell but being 1am they were asleep and I didn’t want to bang on the door, so I went home.  I ran up to the spare room upstairs, closed the door and tried to call the police but he pulled out the connection downstairs.  After a few minutes he had a change of heart and shouted up that I could call them now, which I duly did.

It took them an hour to arrive and they persuaded him to stay with a friend for the night to calm things down.  No doubt he sold them the story of me as  the hysterical over-reacting crazy woman. 

In a roundabout way I am getting to the point of this story.  A couple of days later through the post box I received a leaflet on domestic violence from the police.  Now he has never been physically violent towards me and if he had I would have been the first to leave with my child.  I had witnessed it happening in my family and swore I would never put up with it myself.

Yet the questions on the cover of the leaflet caused the penny to drop, you know that light bulb OMG moment when it all makes sense.  There was a whole series of questions along the lines of does he make fun of you in public, does he put you down, does he constantly criticise you etc.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as silently I answered yes to every one of them.

Now I could put a name to it: emotional abuse. 

The man I loved was not my pillar of strength, my mentor who pointed out my faults in an attempt to better me but a control freak who was always right and had to have things his way.  Far from being the man I could turn to in a crisis and be the last man standing, he was a very weak and small man, because he needed to belittle me to feel big. 

Never in a million years would I have seen myself as a victim of emotional abuse, a form of domestic abuse, little known. 

Love is never about control, humiliation and destroying the spirit of the person you claim to care about.  If anything you would want to protect her/him from harm and hurt, never mind inflict it yourself consciously or otherwise.  Whether intentional or not it hurt like hell and was extremely damaging to my mental health and physical.  I would go as far as to say that it contributed to my cancer although I have no scientific proof.

I will never forget when he told me that he was pulling the plug because now he realises I would never change and that he had been standing by me and waiting all these years for me to change.  Quite into what, I don’t know.  When we met and fell in love, that was me and that was who he married, so I don’t really get it.  I am still me, even now, after everything.  I will always be me and being me ain’t so bad.

They say that the first step to solving your problem is to admit you have one in the first place but I think it is also vital to be able to name accurately what it is.  How can you begin to fight something if you don’t even know what you are up against?

 

 

Love Limited

Please I’d like a refund

I seemed to have bought the wrong brand

Oh really madam why’s that

Well you see I thought I was getting the unconditional one

The one guaranteed to last forever

I am sorry to hear that

But unfortunately it is company policy not to do refunds or exchanges

We state clearly that the onus is on you the customer to check your purchase

Ah but I didn’t realise there was a Love Limited Edition

It lasted for my first brush with cancer But ran out half way through the recurrence

Leaving me high and dry

Madam I’m afraid that is a common mistake

Next time make sure you don’t drop your glasses

Read the small print

The two look suspiciously similar

Thanks for the advice

But I doubt there’ll be a next time

I used to be

I used to be a perfectionist
till I lost my mind
I used to be an idealist
till reality punched me in the face
I used to believe in love
till it ran out
I used to trust
till betrayal bit me on the bum
I used to believe in God
till He too abandoned me

Now
I
adrift
among
debris
of past
uncertain
present
believe
trust
no one
plans
foolish
optimism
misguided

Yet
never
felt
so
free
zero
expectations
zilch
disappointment
che sera sera
let it be
laissez faire
if
love
should
find
me
I
would
invite
it
in
no
big
deal

Over you

I resolved in 2014 not to write about heartbreak nor cancer and not to be late, a very bad habit but I just want to write one last time about lost love.

Over

It’s over

just like that

here one minute

gone the next

gossamer blowing in the wind

petals floating on the shimmering water

to the shores of the past and beyond

The tides come in and out

carrying debris from the ocean floor

the smoke of a summer barbecue

the blast of a motrobike shooting by

tulips windmills amsterdam

There was you and there was I

Then we became us

And the Little One

Holy Trinity

Three In One

I felt complete

The storm clouds descended

Thunder lightning stuck

Gale force winds

Love hate resentment entwined

The music stopped the flowers wilted

The Friendship Tree no longer bloomed

Signalled The End

I often wondered where that Love went

Did it evaporate or simply got lost before GPS

Is there Lost Property where one could claim it back

Provide evidence of Love once owned

Say the kid we created out of Joy and Intimacy

Is that proof enough

Or a consulting room where broken hearts could be mended

Like a garage for broken down cars

Over

It’s over

I’m over you

The collateral damage no longer haunts

I have survived the friendly fire

Withstood the chill of indifference

Being eliminated excommunicated eradicated

Yet here I stand TALL

it no longer matters

that I don’t exist in your eyes mind nor heart

I exist I know I laugh I cry I love I care I dare

It is enough for me and me alone

Over

Over you

What other men said

Life, Love & Pain

Life, Love & Pain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It struck me that I am obsessed with what hurtful destructive things my ex said and thereby keeping the fire of pain burning and thus the inspiration for this post.

You are beautiful

I want to see you laugh not cry

I don’t want to hurt you

I admire your strength, ability to get off the floor and begin anew

I can’t wait to show you off to my friends

I love it that we can talk about anything

You are a good woman

You are very attractive

You are still young and beautiful

I don’t deserve your love

I can’t give you what you want it is best to be honest from the start

I’m ending it to protect you from hurt I don’t want to be the one to inflict more pain

I care about you a lot I want to protect you

I love hearing you laugh

I want to see you happy

I don’t want to promise what I can’t do being faithful is an alien concept

I don’t want to lie lead you on and you hate me and we can’t even be friends

Although some are said ending the brief relationship at least he is being honest and shows respect and genuine love.  Love shouldn’t hurt.  If you care about someone you want to protect, see her happy; you certainly shouldn’t be the one inflicting the pain or causing the damage.

%d bloggers like this: