Actually I am more wounded than not normal. To me I am very ‘normal’ and what I do, say, think and feel all make sense. If I seem crazy than that is your perogative but I refuse to be defined. I used to care too much what others think. But through recent trials and tribulations I learnt just because someone says it, doesn’t make it true. At the end of the day it is what you think that counts.
Undoubtedly I have been deeply wounded by all that life has thrown at me: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and any other …ly under the sun. Sometimes I wonder if I have been very very very bad in my previous life or plain unlucky. I was brought up a Christian and packed off to Sunday School, then to Youth Fellowship and attending church services. I had to memorise Bible verses and could sing the order of the New Testament. However I think it was St. Paul who told us God wouldn’t test us more than what we can bear. Sorry Christians and Catholics out there. What I went through was way too much for me, to the point that I seriously contemplated suicide more than once. Only the thought of my daughter stopped me.
There are billions round the world whose plight is way worse but that doesn’t lessen nor negate my pain. Anyway, how do you measure suffering, anguish and despair?
The good news is I am healing, the pain will linger as a dull ache but I am reaching the stage of acceptance. I have suffered major loss upon loss upon loss in the short space of a few years. My standard of living has dropped significantly but I have gained freedom and happiness and that you can’t put a price tag on. It’s not for sale nor does it go to the highest bidder at Christie’s. Money is a necessary evil. It certainly makes life easier and gives you status but it doesn’t guarantee happiness. Just look at the ongoing cases of celebrities who overdose or have to go into rehab.
I am not quite there yet but I am getting there … Thank you for accompanying me on this road to finding myself and my voice and liking who I am.