Don’t you sometimes wish things could be unsaid?

If things could be unsaid I wouldn’t have a broken heart which no superglue however strong can mend.  Cracks will remain leaking blood drop by crimson drop.  Some say there is beauty in imperfection and that some potters actually smash their work and then glue the fragments back. 

I wish things could be unsaid so I could hold onto the good and not be plagued by doubts and wondering if I imagined it all. 

If I could simply press the undo button I would be that twenty something innocent happy confident optimistic and sociable girl again.  Before depression, cancer, separation and divorce …  I felt good about myself, I was popular, people liked me, students, colleagues, friends.  I hadn’t been seen as a problem yet; I hadn’t been brainwashed into believing it.

I sometimes think of my life in terms of before and after, before the cancer and after.  From that point life was never the same.

 

 

 

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About cho wan yau

Teacher by day poet/writer by night. Words have been my first love and will be my last. As a child I locked myself into the toilet devouring books which transported me to distant lands. Poetry shared penned from 2009-2010 in a titanic struggle to stay sane at Heartbreak Hotel. Please check it out on chowanyau@wordpress.com. Any comments or feedback welcome. Why not share your story with me, because we all have one, don't we?

Posted on December 17, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 23 Comments.

  1. One cannot really ‘like’ this tragic post, but simply to share the pain- a little and hold in the heart the hope that healing will salve and restore hope.

    • Thanks Phillippa. I am slowly but surely being healed by the inevitable passage of time and also a more realistic assessment of the marriage and how it really was. I mourn the good bits and my family but I don’t miss the put downs and feeling on edge all the time or being ignored literally and emotionally.

  2. We are never the same after important experiences. But with experience comes wisdom, hopefully. Life is never the same but that doesn’t mean it can’t be good again. There is always light after the tunnel. You just have to believe and keep your faith on that light that you are obviously going towards.

    • Yes life can be good again Carol and it is. It has been an arduous climb to the mountain top but I am getting there. Having experienced something as huge and traumatic as Cancer one cannot help but be changed. I guessed I lost a sense of innocence and fear of a recurrence started seeping insiduously in, however hard I tried to push it to the back of the mind. Thanks for your comment.

  3. I could have written part of this myself… particularly where you speak of doubting and wondering if perhaps you imagined it all. =\
    Hugs ❤

  4. There’re times when I get up in the morning wish that last night God should have taken me in my sleep. Peaceful and painless death. It’s what everybody dreamt of. Well, I learned one thing about life. If you never experience something so painful that you wish that shouldn’ve been born, then you can never learn. Is it a good thing? Yes, your life will be smooth sailing. But how many can enjoy that? My life wasn’t smooth sailing starting at the age of 28. There’re a lot to say but I choose not so. If I would to reveal the chronology of it, I will have two expression of people. 1) take pity of me OR 2) looked down upon me. I need neither of them. Mama G, based on your post, some people are just a born to make people’s life miserable. We’re just happened to be there to face these. So, when we’re at that stake, we can’t turn back but to face them with courage. It’s easier to say than done. Too bad, this is life. It’s cruel, usually and happiness will not sustain all the time.

    Thank you for your comment on ‘Fashionista’ and ‘Tangerine & Silk’. Dad just did his second radiation. Chemo doesn’t work for him anymore. So the oncologist put him on a clinical trial oral drug with adverse side-effects. I have a new role at home – Dad’s Pressure Bag, i.e he’ll take it out on me, sometimes my mom. In fact, I’ve been busy setting up an online fashion selling my used clothes (all in good condition), while job hunting. 🙂

  5. My dearest Deborah my heart goes out to you. Please accept my empathy and not sympathy, there is a huge difference. I would not want pity nor sympathy either. I understand what you are saying, don’t say oh poor you but I hear you. I can’t do anything to make things better for you but I am here to listen if you need me, for as long as it takes.

    I am sorry to hear your dad has suffered a recurrence and that chemo no longer works for him. I haven’t experienced anyone in my family with cancer just myself but witnessed how painful and difficult it was for my daughter and ex.

    It must be incredibly stressful and painful to be both the carer and punch bag. All I can say in your dad’s defence is he is a terribly sick man but of course you know that already. What can you do, he is your dad. I spent two weeks day and night watching my mother gasping for every breath and in great distress and pain but I couldn’t walk away, fly back to HK and leave my older siblings to it. I could not bear the thought of Mum passing away on her own, she deserved better than that. One of the doctors said I was very good to her, I just said, she is my mum.

    Yes at times we do wonder what is it all about and wish we had never been born or that there was a painless and quick way of exit. But somehow deep within courage and strength comes in your hour of most need and you carry on another day. One thing I really like about HK and how it is aiding in my own healing is how people just get on with it. No doubt everybody has her own story and this kind of puts me to shame and encourages me to stop wallowing.

    Good luck with your online fashion business and job hunting. You are going through a hell of a lot all at the same time, hang on in there, it will get better, in time.

    Please feel free to email me at chowanyau@gmail.com. Take care Mama G x

  6. thank you all for caring enough to leave a comment, i really appreciate it

  7. Very well written… 🙂

    • Thanks. Btw how about a translation in English of your ‘About’ page? I know English, Chinese, French and beginner’s Dutch but apart from that no can do. You from Scandanavia??

      • I will do that – I’m born i Denmark but business relations have made my life more “european” than danish – and I’m fortunate to have learned a number of European languages… 🙂

      • Now you are showing off but I bet you don’t speak Cantonese or Mandarin la la la la.

        Did you know that the Danish are supposed to be the happiest in the world according to a global happiness survey? Been to Denmark, Copenhagen, used to have biker friends there in my previous life. The Danish are pretty chilled.

      • You are right – I don’t speak Cantonese or Mandarin, even there are a great number of people in the world who do – both language are great for listening even though I don’t understand them – there are a lovely sound in them… 🙂

        I don’t know if danes are the most happiest people in world – it’s hard to know, and there are lots of problems in Denmark as there are in all countries… 🙂

      • mmm i wouldn’t say Cantonese was pleasant to listen to, the words comprise of very harsh sounds and often it seems we are arguing and very loud when we are just talking; so my sole English speaking daughter informs me. Mandarin is far more melodic and easy on the ear, like French as opposed to English, in my humble opinion.

        Well you are Danish are you happy? Of course no country is perfect, there are always problems but then there are problems and then there are problems. It’s all relative.I think in Western Europe nobody actually starves however poor.

        Btw you seem to have a connection with Yorkshire from your posts and still eagerly awaiting the translation of your about page.

        Are you having a good Christmas Day so far?

      • You are right french sounds more melodic among the european launages – some say that german is a very harsh sounded launage – but I don’t agree 100%… 🙂

        The danes are the country in the world that has the highest consumption of happy pills – so I do not know if luck is moody in Denmark too… 🙂

        I believe happiness is pearls on a string and not stationary – in that light I’m a very happy man and without pills… 🙂

  8. Painfully yet so well written. I can relate with most parts of it. My Mom died of Colon Cancer in May this year.

    I hope that my “10 Alternative Perspectives On Trials” found here http://seekersportal.wordpress.com/2013/12/03/10-alternative-perspectives-on-trials/ would be of some help to you. 🙂

    Merry Christmas! 😀

  9. Cancer is a bitter pill. As you know my grandson went through it and survived at two. But during those days life was bleak and news was hard. Hopefully the fact that Michael survived can help others. There is hope. I wish you and all your readers with this disease the best in 2014. May more miracles happen.

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