Category Archives: Relationships

Beware the person who means well

I try to avoid like the plague the person who means well but it is virtually impossible if they are family or a close friend.  They do not tire in pointing out the error of your ways, how what you feel and perceive is incorrect.  They do their utmost to cheer you up, admonish for not being optimistic, positive and upbeat at all times even as you are waiting to be pushed away to the operating theatre and worried if you are going to come out alive.  Even when you are abandoned to your own devices during chemotherapy, losing your hair, though you have never been a vain person, you were rather attached to your hair and incidentally your left boob and good health.  You should keep the stiff upper lip, keep calm and carry on and not utter a word of anger, resentment, self pity when after the superhuman effort of recovering after all the gruesome treatment your husband chooses that moment to announce he doesn’t love you anymore, he hasn’t for the last three years.  You have been made to live a lie but hey never mind, keep smiling, the glass is always half full.

I bet you my meagre savings that these well meaning know it alls have never had cancer and had their life hang in the balance, no, not even the once.  I bet they are still happily married well if not happily then still married and have their family intact and am not dreading spending every Christmas, birthday, wedding anniversary alone, crying into their stoic cup of tea.  I bet they are not anxious about making ends meet but are just keeping a close eye on their stocks and shares and other investments.

Why are they the most dangerous people to be avoided at all costs if at all possible?  Because they mean well and you know it you feel guilty if you are rude and rebuff their good intentions.  After all they are saying this or being insensitive or over-powering for your own good.  They are not evil or bad, no on the contrary they have a heart of gold, they just insist on being right all the time and having the last word.  They want you to be their clone and to limit your freedom of thought and perception of the world and how you feel.

With the downright rude and nasties you can just show them the door but with these well meaning folks one has to be more devious and diplomatic.  Whilst appreciating their good intentions and maybe cleverly agreeing with them for an easy life, one could just carry on regardless in one’s misguided ways.  Win win?!

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Wish

Wish

I could bottle pain

watch it sail away

capture sadness

let it soar

gather disappointment

see it burn

seek selective amnesia

sieve away the bad

rationalise persuade

erase

yet in the core of my very being

the dull aches keeps throbbing

robbied fobbed off

powerless defenceless

for being mere human

failing to live up to expectations

imperfect flawed unworthy

Wish

Where have all the good men gone

They say there is plenty of fish in the sea, really?  I must have been looking in the wrong one.  Maybe there are but honestly would you want them?  Surely by my age the good uns, the ones you would have dared to take home to see Mother are all snapped up and if their woman has any sense will be keeping them on a tight leash.  No takeover possible.

And the ones available will generally fall under three categories: never married and you have to wonder why, widowed, still pining for their one true love and separated/divorced. The trouble with going out with a man going through separation is he may very well realise the error of his ways and reunite with wifey dearest.  Even if he met you after the initial separation you are still technically ‘The Other Woman’, to be despised and villified by the injured party and the offsprings.  Worse still they may not really be separated and are actually happily married and he is just selling you the ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ line.

If they are divorced they still have to pay alimony.  If there are children that is worse, he will have the financial burden of supporting them till they reach the legal age of being an adult.  If you marry he’ll have two families to fork out for, unless he is a billionaire you are always going to be arguing about money.  You also run the risk of being Mrs Rebound.

You single women out there, listen up, we won’t die without a man but we will without food or means to support ourselves.  You can be happy, repeat after me, you can be happy and live a fulfilled, meaningful life single.  Love comes in all shapes and sizes and from unexpected places and not always with the pretty wrapping.  It doesn’t have to be the man falls madly in love with woman ride off into the sunset and live happily after variety.  Anyway you know and I know ladies that that is the biggest and most insiduous lie of all time, since records began.  We are brainwashed, sold this lie constantly from movies, songs, media, advertising etc etc.

There is no happy after and fairy tale, no fairy godmother to wave the magic wand and turn the toad into a prince, only struggle, pain, hurt and if you are very lucky a good honest guy who will stick by you through thick and thin and last the distance.  Otherwise when the going gets tough the tough get going.

Not that I am looking mind, just saying.

regret

They say life is too short for regret.  My biggest isn’t the obvious one, that of the failure of my marriage but missing the boat on finding out who my parents really are and communicating with them beyond the shallows of small talk.  Apart from my earliest fond memories of Mum burning the midnight oil sewing away so that we had new clothes to wear on Chinese New Year’s Day.  However empty our stomach and family coffer, Mum made sure we were dignified in our poverty.  We didn’t feel deprived or suffer an inferiority complex because everybody else in the Yau Hamlet was in the same boat.  And in our cash poor state we were very inventive with making up games to amuse ourselves with our cousins.  Roaming the tiny village freely we led not only a carefree existence but got very fit climbing trees, chasing one another and stayed out till our mothers called us for the evening meal.  It was a happy childhood that money can’t buy.

Poem a day challenge #16 Mirror

Mirror mirror on the wall

    who’s the saddest of us all

Mirror mirror on the wall

whose reflection

unrecognisable 

blank stare

dead eyes

corpse like

     hint of familiarity 

souless

Mirror mirror on the wall

who’s the loneliest of us all

Poem a day challenge #15 Opposites

Tasted delicious euphoria deep deep sorrow

surrounded friends family weary body soul dragging

scaled Mt. Optimism all I wanna is to die blessed relief

beautiful smiling bride bitter divorcee

essential part of happy family thrown out with the trash recycling not required

jonathon livingston seagull soaring free crashed spectacularly wing lopsided grounded

licking wound gazing longingly up

will she ever fly again

scale the heights of delight

look down upon

world of goodness

restore faith in humanity

just a blip unlucky

gonna be ok kid

One day you’re gonna fly high high above the clouds

leave the sorrow behind

healed

The world according to G.

to my 21 year old self

Self esteem

You are ok.  Never doubt that.

It’ them not you.

Stop beating yourself up.

Let yourself off the hook.

So you screwed up, who hasn’t?

You are your own best friend, with you from beginning to end.

Trust your instinct, nobody knows you better than yourself.

Don’t overthink.  Maybe it is as simple as that.

Dare to dream.

If there’s nobody to love you, love yourself.

Relationships

Stick up for yourself even against the tide.

Don’t expect anyone to be the solution to all your problems.

Don’t trust anybody 100%.

Don’t give all of yourself, save a little for you.

Keep some things private, just for you.

Don’t give your fragile heart away too easily.

Don’t drop your glasses moment you fall in love.

Invest in a magnifying glass before loving again.

Lick your wounds, hibernate, sulk but don’t take too long.

It could get a lot worse so thank your lucky stars.

Hitting rock bottom is good news because the only way is up.

The smart horse never eats the same grass twice.

Under no circumstances lose your identity to your lover.

Keep a nestegg however small and an essential ‘being dumped’ survival kit.

Sure way for your relationship to fail is to put your love on  a pedastal.

Don’t change the core you for anybody, only adjust minor faults.

If s/he loves you they’ll find time to see you.

Keep your dignity, get the message if s/he doesn’t respond.

Desperation is not a good look.

Taking care of your own needs is not ‘selfish’ but essential.

Don’t love too much.

Life

The needle can’t be sharp both ends.

Don’t trust till the person has proven himself worthy.

Not everybody is your friend.

Don’t give up too easily.

Never get bitter; still good people out there, just have to meet them.

People and not wads of paper money are your richest resource.

Love really does conquer all; more potent than hate.

Communicate with your family while you still can.

Most parents though annoying do have your best interests at heart.

Wisdom is gained through pain.

There are no happy poets.

Nothing is ever totally black and white.  Truth lies somewhere in those murky

grey areas.

Be compassionate, that could be you.

Take the Hippocratic oath:  do no harm.

Widen your circle of care; get rid of your tunnel vision.

Can’t take your money with you so use it now for good.

Putting a smile on a sad person’s face is priceless.

Don’t rush around and miss the main show, your life.

Hold onto your sense of humour, only thing left when you lose everything.

Poem a day challenge#14 finale

Bow out not to standing ovation Mexican
wave one hand clapping mine grim darkness no
spotlight following illuminating hate endings good
byes slip away unnoticed eerie hollow echoing
silence sad hurting sabotage what I am best at
crush what’s good fear love unworthy strange
phenomenon must acclimatise lack oxygen on
mountain top shit parents crap childhood don’t
cut it broken record even i am bored so hands
up screwed up me me alone all by myself no
accomplice accessory to crime I bear full
responsibility consequence yes I plead quilty
your honour the loss missing you hole in heart
but know cannot unwind rewind unsay undo
delete what is done is done work in progress
have long way to go but gotta start somewhere
somehow bow out to lights fading empty
stage sole shadow curtains
fall the finale

Different kinda pain

for me on this my 21st wedding anniversary

(thanks go to Andrew Urquhart, fellow blogger for suggesting the title)

 

feeling kinda blue wanna

     drown in the ocean of forgetfulness

resolutely slam that door full

speed ahead to infinity and

beyond

 

how come you can wave the

‘past’ goodbye with such

abandon glee no trace of

sadness sprinting  to embrace

future

 

Did it mean nothing to you

marriage me us our

love i was there for the

duration good bad ugly

absurd

 

Different kinda pain 

sixth year alone cross your

mind that summer’s day the

     eighth of eighth month

lucky

 

This time tears all

cried out no searing paralysing

jab just dull lingering ache

hunkers down to fight another

day

 

I will remember our happy 

union till last breath not

relegate to just another

day for it meant the world to

me

 

Different kinda pain

 

Shouldn’t but does

 
Shouldn’t but does
 
Shouldn’t bother me but
does you going off to Bulgaria
see a stranger you’ve fallen
in love with prepared to fly all those miles
hire a car other end
 
All these years I have been here 
next to you in bed on the couch
waiting yearning for
you to
communicate
acknowledge
validate my
existence worth sharing
yourself
want to know
who
I am
 
But
you
never did
 
Shouldn’t bother me but
does how you effortlessly
walked away from the past no lingering 
backward glance as if those eighteen years
never happened mattered
 
Are you a good actor
or you really don’t care
devoid of emotions just relieved
rid of irritating inconvenience
 
What does she offer that I
can’t
another delusion infatuation
 
You
may one day come to
your senses mourn the
loss of one who
loved you without reservation
seek and find her
gone
 
For she
will have changed
stronger pain is an
effective teacher no
longer needs nor loves
you
 
Made her live a Lie
crucified everything
she
believed
valued
 
Shouldn’t bother but 
does
you
 
         
 
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