Closure

I sent this letter today because it is time for closure, for the hurt, anger, resentment eating me up and stopping me from engaging fully in life to end.

Dear K

How are you?  I hope you are well and happy.

Since we stopped being a couple I have grown up a lot, I guessed I had to.  I’m sorry that I made it difficult for you to carry on loving me.  I acknowledge my part in our marriage ending; I did lean on you too much and that was unfair and no doubt stifling.  Perhaps I never felt loved by my parents so subconsciously I was looking for someone strong to take good care of me.

I would like to thank you for being such a star during my first encounter with cancer and for all the support you did give me during my on/off depression.

I realise that with the recurrence and your business failing it was all too much and you couldn’t be there for me.

And I am sorry I made you piggy in the middle with your parents, it must have been a nightmare.  In retrospect maybe I could have handled things better.

And of course you were a superb dad and we gave M a wonderful and happy childhood.  And you were a responsible and hard-working husband and father who alway worked to provide for the family.  For that I thank you.

Having said all that, I don’t take full responsibility for what wrong.  I think life would have been a lot easier for both of us if you could have opened up more emotionally and was prepared to hear what I had to say, especially regarding money.  You took your parents’ side with the car accident when you should have stood up for me, your wife.  You could have been less critical and not put me down in front of friends and family.

And at the end yes you have a right to your life and happiness but you did not have to be so brutal.  There were things said that were unnecessary and hurt me more than chemo and is more lasting.  Kicking someone when she is down is not cool.

I thank you for your love and the good times and happy memories.  For a while I had the happy family I had always dreamed of, where I could love and be loved and of course experience the miracle of childbirth and seeing our beautiful baby grow.  M will be 21 in two days’ time, doesn’t time fly?

Married to you, I have experienced moments of happiness but also of great loneliness and isolation.  Sometimes, like at the chapter meets, I felt like a puppy following you but that you’d much rather I wasn’t there.  You know, that is an awful feeling.  And at the end you just did not talk to me.  It was clear you didn’t want to be there and you were already planning your exit.  Working on making your Harley solo was part of that.

We had something very real and very special.  Of my three long-term relationships you were the only one I loved.  I loved and trusted you unreservedly.  I guess there will always be a space in my heart for you.

I hope that you have become less logical and more human.  I hope too that you and I one day can be friends, for M’s sake, as I don’t want any awkwardness at her graduation or wedding or with our grandkids if we ever have any.

Though we have not seen or spoken to each other for years and you have put me away neatly in the compartment in your head labelled Past, I’m afraid you and I will always be linked by the beautiful life we created out of love.

M has turned out to be a mature, well-balanced, intelligent, independent and compassionate young woman.  We should be proud.  We did a good job, K.  Please do make more effort to see her.  She is the best gift you’ll ever have.  But for her, I would definitely be dead.  She was the reason for me to fight to stay alive.

I miss our family.  I miss you.  But nothing lasts forever, I know that now.

CW

Blind dates

too short

     too old

too strong

     uncontrollable

too dark

 

     demanding

too impatient

     bad tempered

too loud

     too chatty

 

          Hey Man

If you see fault in me now

     Not the good

Then it ain’t never gonna work

 

     sure I ain’t perfect

who is 

          i like me

      That’s what counts

jigsaw

nothing fits some

times monsters invade

your head leave no 

space never take a fag

break

 

some times it all comes

together just like that the

good fairy has cast a 

spell it makes sense

 

you know what 

happened beginning

middle end the pieces

fit you can let go move

on

Poem a day challenge#13 Agree to disagree

We could never agree to

disagree meet in the

middle now we don’t

meet at all

Love

What is love?  Once upon a time I believed there were three people in the world who loved me unconditionally: my husband, daughter and sister.  I was wrong; one exited from my life post haste and the latter two remained. 

He wasn’t in love with me, the person I was but an ideal version in his head.  When reality deviated too far from the fantasy he went in pursuit of another. To give him credit he gave it his best shot, never missing a chance to ‘mould’ me into a better person by pointing out my faults.  Sadly the social experiment failed as the living version, no matter how hard she tried, never got close to the ideal.  On the contrary she became depressed and then had the audacity to be diagnosed with cancer not once but twice.  She was never going to cut it so he pulled the plug.

What is love?  It is not giving up on someone when even she has on herself.  Loving the person even though you may be angry or hurt by their words or deeds.  Accepting her eccentricities, bad habits, strong opinions though she can sometimes irritate you to hell and be hard work…  Wishing her well even if you are in a dark place yourself.  Seeing the good in her when others don’t or won’t and giving the benefit of the doubt.  Be the last person standing for her to lean on in a crisis.

 

It’s time

It’s time

to dry the ravenous tears

wrap a cast around your pierced heart

crawl inch by inch if you must

but get off that damn floor

keep moving

that way you know you are

still alive

 

Stand up tall

head held high

dignity is all

 

Look the mirror in the eye

pay huge respect

fighter survivor tough old bird

dug deep against immeasurable odds

terrified abandoned

did what she had to and

go on

 

It’s time

to get back on that horse

reclaim your power force

repay the kindness of strangers

when you found yourself

in a dark place with

nowhere to go

 

Make sense of why you had to endure survive

recurrent depression

cancer twice

chemo-induced heart failure

 

You were meant to live

do some good

 

It’s time

 

Poem a day challenge#9 Healed

You know you are healed when

a day passes and ‘he’ never crossed your

mind even you are bored of hearing

your ‘story’ and you realise how loved that friends

family haven’t gone for your throat the trillionth

time how they must have been screaming

inside when you stop to look at the butterflies

fluttering above petals when you feel like

singing

swaying to the beat don’t care what you

eat

no matter how fat when

tears stop flowing at the slightest

unexpected act of kindness when

you 

don’t care what others think just

those you care about when you begin

to ‘love’ yourself some would call it

selfish I call it taking care of your needs

putting yourself first for a change when

you laugh from deep within notice the sky

blue birdsong hear the roar of the ocean

soothing your soul see the finish line flapping

beckoning

under the noon sun almost there babe,

few more baby steps and we touch

happiness release this broken

stray soaring heights

unlimited

free at last

patchwork

patchwork 

(for all those who live to fight another day)

nothingness hollow emptiness numbness

frozen murky grey confusion depression

misty sandy mirage flashes of the past

bits and pieces sewn into a patchwork

some brilliant joyful contented moments

others a paler shade of grey black blue

yet others turbulent clashing violent red

i see shiny multi-coloured quality street wrappers

floating in the air illuminated by a shaft of sunlight 

kids chasing them spellbound a magical moment

i remember going on the train to canton when i was 6

entering this dark spooky house lit by a lone candle

up the stairs where a wrinkly old lady dressed in black

lay dying my maternal grandmother but i did not know then

i am jolted back to the instant the boeing 747 landed with a bump

out of its metal belly spewed a chinese country bumpkin

in two black pigtails smothered by the london august heat 

welcome to heathrow your new life the year was 1969 i was 8

i see her wearing headphones in this language laboratory booth

repeat after me and that’s how my sister and i learnt english

and duely lost our childhood as our parents’ keepers

i am rudely awakened by vicious angry shouting familiar voices

it is not the melodic sound of dad singing after winning on the horses

nor the loving words of mum telling us to be careful when we went out

it is the heavy violent banging of mum’s head against the headboard

mum confronting him about the shanghai mistress his infidelity his lust

he hits back by threatening to kill her rushing back with a chinese cleaver

my superhero sis jumps in to avoid bloodshed while i cower under the duvet

i recall fairy godmother does not step in wave her magic wand make it all ok

the drama intensifies dad buggers off no kiss and make up no heart to heart

leaving in his wake a suicidal wife two unsupported traumatised teenagers

i remember thinking he didn’t love us enough to stay we weren’t good enough

i see two girls rushing home after school terrified of what they might find

if mum should have made good her threat what was gonna become of us

would we have to end up in a children’s home could we stay together

i see from the corner of my eye fairy godmother half waving the wand

mum pulls herself together after a good talking to from an old family friend

wipe your tears shelf the self pity your two girls need you to be strong

dad eventually came back with his tail between his legs mum took him back

fast forward 1980 i sit in a lecture theatre in cardiff full of nervous 18 year olds

true taste of freedom without the weight of ancient culture breathing down my neck

my feet metaphorically unbound an eye opener of how the other half lived

i was gobsmacked when my best friend hazel told me she was staying put

i assumed you went home after graduation that is what you do

by then i was addicted to my liberation not boxed in by somebody else’s rules

i thought up a cunning plan told mum i was off to hong kong to find my roots

that was the only way she would let me out of her claws not watch my every move

this time the boeing 747 landed at kai tak international airport with a bump

narrowly missing the high rise in kowloon welcome to 80’s hong kong

i see a 22 year old beautiful woman the world at her feet having a ball

charming her students though chinese like them she was very different

she didn’t walk the walk talk the talk like the natives but still cool and fun

enter the first boyfriend short overweight not brad pitt but heart of gold and keen

charmed her said nice things she’d never heard before like you are beautiful

put her on a pedestal she felt the dizzy heights from her throne she surveyed

all was good in her world she was loved adored free soaking it all in loving it

i recall in my mind’s eye a gorgeous bride in french plaits flowers in her hair

beaming with joy and pride in her plum coloured silk cheung sam

with the mandarin collar slits either side all the way down to the ground

clutching a bouquet of flowers it was her wedding day she gets the prince

determined to be married by 30 i made it with two months to spare

after we exchanged rings kees knelt on the grass i sat on his lap cameras flashed

it was the happiest day of my life for the first time i felt i belonged had come home

i remember moving into the first home we bought on the isle of dogs

a narrow town house on a square with open plan lounge and kitchen

two bedrooms and a box room we made into an office and integral garage

i see a woman lying in pain feeling fed up in a hospital bed

wishing the baby would hurry up her waters would break the labour over

36 hours later a baby girl is sucked into the world taking her first gasp

the father is beaming with joy the mother lies exhausted but proud

i have 1998 etched in my mind it was the year we had our best ever holiday

cape town gorgeous sunshine coastal drive ocean waves misty table mountain

kruger park elephants giraffes lions hyenas roaming the wild vultures circling

mei with her pink shiny barbie camera attracting unwanted attention

the guide and kees fighting off the baboon baring its teeth trying to get in

sleeping in cosy mud huts having barbecues out front putting sun tan lotion on

also the year it all started to go wrong at 36 i was diagnosed with breast cancer

i feel the huge hammer from the sky hitting me hard on my head like a nail

i lost my mind three years earlier let’s just put it down to workplace bullying

do you know that even happy life events like marriage buying a house

having a baby can be extremely stressful now my body was letting me down too

the worse was the not knowing torturous waiting endless tests needles

you run through various scenarios in your head best being no cancer 

worse was unthinkable and sod’s law the evil word ‘mastectomy’ resounded

i come to in a deadly silent room except for the machines beeping looked around

knew instinctively i was not back on ellis ward not enough beds for a start and quiet

no phone constantly ringing visitors’ voices nurses rushed off their feet bright light

i knew i hadn’t died gone to hell cos where was the furnace the welcoming party

my life hadn’t flashed before my eyes no light at the end of the tunnel pearly gates

a scottish male nurse appears like a genie this is the high dependency unit phew

soup has never tasted so good the op took longer than expected lost a lot of blood

i am minus left boob but replaced by brilliant reconstruction with implant muscle

less lymph nodes to ensure cancer hasn’t spread and additional scars front back

good news no further treatment needed bad news .5 cm of invasive cancer found

excellent prognosis nevertheless you are one of the lucky ones cho wan mmmm

who am i to beg to differ it’s all relative ain’t it i didn’t die it hasn’t spread so maybe

once is unlucky twice is careless especially as you can smell the finishing line

i’d passed the all important 5 year remission mark on the last strait to the 10th

i was getting too complacent just as you think it is safe to get back in the water

finally leave it behind the grey cloud hanging over the back of your mind

that’s be too easy wouldn’t it come on you are always up for a challenge

tough old bird survivor let’s see how far you can be pushed before you crack

God does not give you more than you can bear rubbish sorry He does

but what is the alternative lie down give up and die or shout bring it on

so what i lose my health hair i can’t swallow eat i am abandoned go it alone

i am in bed it is the afternoon but i have no desire to get up do anything

i don’t see the point makes no difference if i put the washing in now or later

i thought i’d be ecstatic the last day of my radiotherapy it felt a huge anti-climax

i believed i could slip effortlessly back into my old life of humdrum normality

how wrong my mind body soul went on strike shut down declared they’d enough

sulking pissed off the body assaulted poisoned the mind deprived the soul crushed

i took to my bed for 8 montnhs operated on sleep standby mode recharging

i am staring at a tall dark stranger who looks remarkably like my husband

he talks smells the same but i cant quite believe the words coming out of his mouth

they seem to take on a life of their own the sounds hanging heavily in the air

it feels like he is talking about somebody else’s marriage some other wife

who never made any effort in all the 16 years who made her husband’s life hell

it didn’t matter if she couldn’t help being depressed her cancer coming back

to top it all his business failed cos he couldn’t focus on turning it round he wants out

i hear a heart silently breaking the death throes of a marriage love strangled

anger what in all the 16 years of marriage not one single happy memory

i see a traumatised woman ripping out treasured photos from her white album

tearing them up scattering them like confetti on her wedding day

screaming there is no marriage anymore so why keep them

she wished for amnesia to wash over her blocking out i don’t love you anymore

i haven’t for 3 years i stayed waiting for you to change but now i know you won’t

i remember jumping into my red polo with early dawn behind me a broken woman

i drove to norwich having looked up the map a leap in the dark if ever there was

but i knew i was very unhappy i was dying inside i had to walk away or go insane

life hasn’t been one big bed of sweet roses in norwich the grass not really greener

i had no choice it was what i had to do to save myself from going under forever

i needed to get away from it all seek sanctuary a place to rest and heal recover

i had to have time for contemplation heartache for crying mourning self discovery

now what next brown cow who knows what tomorrow brings i don’t plan no more

i go with the flow embrace what life brings try not to sweat the small stuff

really in the scheme of things we are terribly insignificant a speck in the galaxies

our individual tragedies drama appear gigantic disastrous but they too will pass

despite the involuntary stay at heartache hotel regular custom at lonely hearts cafe

i would not swap a single piece of the patchwork of my life every bit a rare memory

every square rough or smooth a defining moment empowering me to go on

Poem a day challenge #7 delete

if it causes pain why hold on

delete

if it brands your soul why hang on

delete

if it eats you up why bite

delete

if it poisons your well being why hesitate

delete

if it suffocates why continue

delete

if it makes you feel less than human why permit

delete

if it makes you feel shit why admit

delete

Life Laundry

  separate the pain anger resentment into piles read the labels carefully add in a tab of forgiveness don’t forget the fabric conditioner of forgetfulness select the programme of letting go take out dry on the line under the burning sun blown by the breath of life fresh air smelling of sweet red roses freshly mowed […]