separate the pain anger resentment into piles read the labels carefully add in a tab of forgiveness don’t forget the fabric conditioner of forgetfulness select the programme of letting go take out dry on the line under the burning sun blown by the breath of life fresh air smelling of sweet red roses freshly mowed […]
How are you? I hope you are well and happy.
Since we stopped being a couple I have grown up a lot, I guessed I had to. I’m sorry that I made it difficult for you to carry on loving me. I acknowledge my part in our marriage ending; I did lean on you too much and that was unfair and no doubt stifling. Perhaps I never felt loved by my parents so subconsciously I was looking for someone strong to take good care of me.
I would like to thank you for being such a star during my first encounter with cancer and for all the support you did give me during my on/off depression.
I realise that with the recurrence and your business failing it was all too much and you couldn’t be there for me.
And I am sorry I made you piggy in the middle with your parents, it must have been a nightmare. In retrospect maybe I could have handled things better.
And of course you were a superb dad and we gave M a wonderful and happy childhood. And you were a responsible and hard-working husband and father who alway worked to provide for the family. For that I thank you.
Having said all that, I don’t take full responsibility for what wrong. I think life would have been a lot easier for both of us if you could have opened up more emotionally and was prepared to hear what I had to say, especially regarding money. You took your parents’ side with the car accident when you should have stood up for me, your wife. You could have been less critical and not put me down in front of friends and family.
I thank you for your love and the good times and happy memories. For a while I had the happy family I had always dreamed of, where I could love and be loved and of course experience the miracle of childbirth and seeing our beautiful baby grow. M will be 21 in two days’ time, doesn’t time fly?
Married to you, I have experienced moments of happiness but also of great loneliness and isolation. Sometimes, like at the chapter meets, I felt like a puppy following you but that you’d much rather I wasn’t there. You know, that is an awful feeling. And at the end you just did not talk to me. It was clear you didn’t want to be there and you were already planning your exit. Working on making your Harley solo was part of that.
We had something very real and very special. Of my three long-term relationships you were the only one I loved. I loved and trusted you unreservedly. I guess there will always be a space in my heart for you.
I hope that you have become less logical and more human. I hope too that you and I one day can be friends, for M’s sake, as I don’t want any awkwardness at her graduation or wedding or with our grandkids if we ever have any.
Though we have not seen or spoken to each other for years and you have put me away neatly in the compartment in your head labelled Past, I’m afraid you and I will always be linked by the beautiful life we created out of love.
M has turned out to be a mature, well-balanced, intelligent, independent and compassionate young woman. We should be proud. We did a good job, K. Please do make more effort to see her. She is the best gift you’ll ever have. But for her, I would definitely be dead. She was the reason for me to fight to stay alive.
We could never agree to
disagree meet in the
middle now we don’t
meet at all
What is love? Once upon a time I believed there were three people in the world who loved me unconditionally: my husband, daughter and sister. I was wrong; one exited from my life post haste and the latter two remained.
He wasn’t in love with me, the person I was but an ideal version in his head. When reality deviated too far from the fantasy he went in pursuit of another. To give him credit he gave it his best shot, never missing a chance to ‘mould’ me into a better person by pointing out my faults. Sadly the social experiment failed as the living version, no matter how hard she tried, never got close to the ideal. On the contrary she became depressed and then had the audacity to be diagnosed with cancer not once but twice. She was never going to cut it so he pulled the plug.
What is love? It is not giving up on someone when even she has on herself. Loving the person even though you may be angry or hurt by their words or deeds. Accepting her eccentricities, bad habits, strong opinions though she can sometimes irritate you to hell and be hard work… Wishing her well even if you are in a dark place yourself. Seeing the good in her when others don’t or won’t and giving the benefit of the doubt. Be the last person standing for her to lean on in a crisis.
to dry the ravenous tears
wrap a cast around your pierced heart
crawl inch by inch if you must
but get off that damn floor
that way you know you are
Stand up tall
head held high
dignity is all
Look the mirror in the eye
pay huge respect
fighter survivor tough old bird
dug deep against immeasurable odds
did what she had to and
to get back on that horse
reclaim your power force
repay the kindness of strangers
when you found yourself
in a dark place with
nowhere to go
Make sense of why you had to endure survive
chemo-induced heart failure
You were meant to live
do some good
You know you are healed when
a day passes and ‘he’ never crossed your
mind even you are bored of hearing
your ‘story’ and you realise how loved that friends
family haven’t gone for your throat the trillionth
time how they must have been screaming
inside when you stop to look at the butterflies
fluttering above petals when you feel like
swaying to the beat don’t care what you
no matter how fat when
tears stop flowing at the slightest
unexpected act of kindness when
don’t care what others think just
those you care about when you begin
to ‘love’ yourself some would call it
selfish I call it taking care of your needs
putting yourself first for a change when
you laugh from deep within notice the sky
blue birdsong hear the roar of the ocean
soothing your soul see the finish line flapping
under the noon sun almost there babe,
few more baby steps and we touch
happiness release this broken
stray soaring heights
free at last