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Loving yourself is lonely

I am sick and tired of people telling me to learn to love myself and to be positive.  It is hard enough to keep calm and carry on when shit keeps hitting the fan but to have to put a positive spin on it, smile and be grateful for whatever damn lesson it is supposed to be teaching you is a bit much.

Yes, yes, yes I hear you protest: you cannot love others or find true love unless you have learnt to love yourself.  But you know loving yourself is very lonely.  And most of the people who tell me this are in loving stable relationships.  Which is kind of a double slap to the face.  What do they know about heartbreak and rejection? Going home to be greeted by the blank four walls which do not greet you back nor wipe away your tears?

Not only do you have to suffer but you have to do it graciously; no resentment, anger, swearing, screaming, pulling of hair, smashing of plates.  Just meditate, breathe in breathe out and thank God for caring about you so much to send you these precious lessons.  Be still and contemplate what you can learn from all this.  It will make you stronger, after all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  Whoever coined that phrase should be shot!

Ah appreciate all that you had cos now you have lost it all.  But never mind, be positive, for then you can achieve anything and be anyone you want to be. Accept.  This is how it is not how it should be.  Live in the moment, breathe in breathe out.  To be born is to suffer.  All attachment bring pain.

If one more person tells me to be positive and to love myself I am going to scream at the top of my voice and I don’t care if the men in white with the designer fitted jackets cart me off.

Nobility in suffering?

Nobility in suffering?  Really?  There is a school of thought that promotes suffering as a great thing which acclerates our personal growth and makes us better and tougher.  Our scars are battle wounds are trophies of which we can be proud and a badge of honour.

I have a friend bound to a wheelchair who is a believer in this philosophy.  An accident at 15 left her unable to walk and now in her early 60’s she devotes all her time to charitable causes and making others lives a little easier.  I admire her spirit and positivity and this newfound purpose she attributes firmly to Christ, who was introduced to her after the accident.

She would go as far as to say that given a choice she would be wheelchair bound again as otherwise she may still be an unbeliever now.  Wow that is quite a claim.  I am not sure I could honestly come out with such a statement, graciously accepting past suffering and even being grateful.

Would I have cancer again?  Hell no.  I’d rather not be lopsided with one boob and not being able to leave home without my loyal prothesis which I have to stuff in my bra.  It actually weighs quite a bit, you know.  I can’t wear bikinis revealing scars, testament to not one but two operations.  I could never sunbathe topless in the Med, or any beach for that matter.  And if I ever got serious with a guy I’d have to come clean and confess all.  So they know they are getting ‘damaged’ goods, not quite the full package.

Cancer, Depression, Divorce, the three curses of my life:  I am not convinced they have made me a better person.  I was already a good and empathetic kinda gal.  I don’t think it has made me any more compassionate.

And the degree of suffering and the timing were a bit close to call.  Whoever planned that as a Life Lesson should be sacked with immediate effect.

Has it made me into a stronger person.  Yes I concede.  But then I had no choice.  The flip side I am in danger of becoming bitter and paranoid, suspicious of any hand of friendship offered for fear of ulterior motives and that is not a good place to be.

I read a quote on fb which was derisive of people who caused drama in their lives and that they deserved their karma.  I feel that is unfair.  You know sometimes drama descends on us like a punch in the face and we neither caused nor chose it.  I would love to have a quiet life, drama free …  If you have a direct line to Him/Her Up There, could you please take pity and have a word.  Thanks in advance.

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